Life of the Party // GD

prologue

My life was never supposed to get this fucked up. I was never supposed to mess everything up this badly, and I sure as hell wasn't supposed to get into this much trouble for one stupid, thoughtless decision, one that I made when I was too far from myself to even be considered sane.

But somehow, here we are.

This isn't even me anymore! For my whole life I've been that quiet girl at the back of the class that always got perfect marks, always rose to the top without question. I've been the girl that would end up voted most likely to save the world at the end of high school, the girl that no one doubted was the most mature, the most poised, the most ready for life. I was the sweet girl, the shy girl, the ultra-innocent, doesn't-even-know-what-sex-is girl. And to top it all off, I was the girl who everyone likes to a certain degree, but no one really knows. 

That reputation is most certainly dead and gone by now. The story of how, as most have heard it, is a classic trope of teenagers being disgusting and thoughtless and cruel; I've been through the ringer too intensely to ever, I think, be able to tell the full story again, but I digress. It was February of freshman year, and for some reason I'll never understand, my few friends decided to drag me to a party, my first and last high school bash as the person I was. For another reason I'll never understand, I decided to go.

I bet you think you know where this is going.

Long story short, it was the most humiliating and dehumanizing experience of my life. No, I didn't sleep with some random jock (or jocks), contrary to popular belief. No, I didn't go out with the intention of getting totally wasted and fucked up. And no, I don't fully remember everything that happened. Don't doubt my story, though - there are plenty of videos from that night that would totally back me up. These videos were responsible for the complete destruction of any sliver of social life I may have had, though, and as stories spread like wildfire in small schools and cities, I had to get out. Fast.

I moved in with my aunt over the summer, to help prepare for my fresh start as a sophomore at a new school in New Jersey. I'm obviously nervous, what with all my recent experiences, but honestly I don't give a fuck anymore. I've been through enough torture for an entire high school experience; anything that's thrown at me next will be nothing in comparison.

Most of all, though, I'm so ready to put this behind me. To forget. And I don't care if it's unhealthy, if it's not good for me, if my experience could help some other poor soul - I'm gonna bury it so far down into the depths of my being that hopefully one day even I won't be able to find it. I won't talk about it, won't think about it, will never even come close to resurfacing it. I want a fresh start and as far as I can tell this is the best way to get that. My new school has no need or right to know my demons, and if I focus on forgetting then eventually I won't even have to know them myself.

It may not have been the worst possible outcome of that night, thank God, but if it was enough to make me leave my home, it's enough to shatter me. 

And I refuse to be shattered.