Eleanor and Park

Eleanor and Park: We are Eighteen

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WE ARE EIGHTEEN

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Dear Parker,

Do you remember the last time I cried?

It has been a long time. I don’t cry anymore, I just don’t, really. Instead, I close my eyes, my head always hung. I’m so devoid of hope, so desperately.. defeated that I’ve started to hate myself.

You know the reason why I don’t cry? Because I’m weak.

I didn’t cry when I was breaking up with you, I didn’t cry when you were mourning the loss of your dad, and I didn’t cry when you continuously asked me why I ended the best thing that has ever happened to me. You made me feel infinitely better all the time, and it’s not something anyone has done every for me.

The last time I cried, you.. weren’t there, Parker.

I was seventeen, and so in love with you and missing you. I thought going to a party would take my mind off you. I didn’t get drunk because I knew mom would be pissed at me. Instead, I saw Ricky getting piss-drunk. He asked me to drop him to his friend and the next moment I was inside a dark alley. I was being pushed inside it, and I was crying and screaming for help. No one turned out, because the music was so loud and everyone were celebrating.

He did what he wanted to. And I felt so helpless in that moment, I couldn’t do anything about it. Until that day, I didn't know that a human being could do something so.. horrible.

When I had slapped Ricky for misbehaving with me, I had no idea he would stoop to this level for revenge. But as they say, monsters hide the biting snakes under their scalp. We cannot see them, until the time we get bit and poisoned by them.

I always thought it was my fault, but I know it wasn’t. It wasn’t my fault that I’ve the scars he inflicted on me. He did the same with a thirteen year old teenager, and maybe many more girls about whom I’ve no idea – who lost their innocence prematurely.

He’s behind the bars now.

But that doesn’t change anything. The scars won’t heal. The memories won’t fade awat. I can’t feel my own body now. I’ve lost myself somewhere. Remember that night? I came barging inside your house.. and the next moment I was desperate to have sex with you. I knew that was so wrong, but I wanted to know if I was really rendered numb by Ricky.

..and I was.

Forget the fuzziness and the pain, I just didn’t even feel anything, Parkie. I felt numb even though it was you. Even you couldn't make me feel; my two a.m. friend, my boyfriend, the only person I've ever loved.

And that was the last straw of our relationship; I knew I was so fucked up, so beyond repair. I still get scared when a guy tries to come near me, it’s just despicable.

The reason I broke up with you isn’t because I feel I’m not worthy enough after getting raped. No, Parker. It’s because I knew I was never worthy enough. This incident just opened my eyes and made me realise you have always deserved better.. someone like Emma.

Not Eleanor.

I’ve just fallen apart now. And while it was happening, nothing came out. It has always been empty but I guess, I know it better now.

So just move on. It’s not worth staying and getting hurt in the process. I’m not worth it; I’ve never been worth it. And it’s never going to be the same between the two of us now.

Eleanor.