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WE ARE NINETEEN
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Dear Park,
Do you love me?
I know you do, and you would understand what I mean when I write this letter.
Between the last letter and this letter – a lot of things changed. Everything felt like a summer’s day with you. Every word you told me made me feel, it didn't make me numb like I used to feel.
“El, I don't love you in spite of everything you are. In fact, I love you for everything you are.”
Your words still hold the power to make me cry, you still hold the power to make me cry. I don’t know what did I do to deserve an amazing human being like you.
I know we've gone through hell ever since high school happened. So many problems – we both lost a little of ourselves when we were standing and battling against my problems.
Sometimes I feel like I’m living because it is an obligation, your love is an obligation, my dad’s hopes are an obligation. That I don’t live for myself anymore.
I know this sounds so selfish, but I don't want you to fix me.
No, Parkie. I want to fix myself, I want to love myself before I love you. Because if I don't love myself, I would never be able to keep you happy. Our relationship would become one of those toxic ones where you'll be the one giving me everything, and I would become a parasite on you.
I don’t want you to fall out of love when you’re with me because I won’t be able to take it. I really don’t want to see our relationship doom because of me.
Instead, I want us to take a break. I’ll try to fix myself in some part of this world, away from you because I know I'm so dependent on you for everything. Everything. I don’t want you to make me happy; maybe I just wanna be happy all by myself first of all, and then you making me happier. That’s all I want.
Um, this is my last letter to you. I know this is anything but a love letter as I wanted, but I think it doesn't make anything different. We are two people in love, and this is a letter – that’s what matters.
I won’t selfishly hope that you would be waiting for me till the end, and I won’t promise either that I would return. Because honestly I don’t know; my life has always been unpredictable and I don’t think I would want to make a promise which I might have to break in the future if the circumstances aren’t favourable. This is not a modern fairy tale with a guaranteed happy ending, I guess.
But just remember; our world is our world. Just remember that I’ll forever and infinitely be yours. Even if we aren’t together.
Maybe if the world outside our little world wants, I would find a way back to you sometime later.
But till then, I love you always, and time was and always will be nothing.
Eleanor.
YOU ARE READING
Eleanor and Park
Proză scurtăEleanor and Parker have been best friends since kindergarten. So it's no surprise when they hear of the tradition of writing letters to your loved ones on New Year's Eve, they decide to write it to each other - sharing how they had grown over the ye...
