All My Lasts

Chapter Four

I paced the floor of the hospital waiting room, staring at the ugly carpet. My dad was sitting next to my mom on one of the sofas, his head in his hands. My mom was leaned up against him, her hand rubbing his back.

"Mrs. and Mr. Ross?" A doctor called, coming out of a set of double doors, chart in hand. My parents stood up and walked towards him, and I followed.

"Dr. Monroe," he shook my parents hands before diving into the chart.

"Callie has an infection, which ultimately is the cause of her losing consciousness. However, we ran some scans and discovered that the cancer is continuing to spread..."

My stomach dropped. How could it be spreading? She had been taking all of her meds and doing all of the treatments. She had been a model patient- it didn't make any sense.

My heartbeat was louder than anything the doctor said, and I only caught a few things that he was saying.

"...more aggressive treatments... chemo three or four times a week..."

"Can I see her?" I blurted, my voice choked. Both of my parents and Dr. Monroe turned to me as if they were just realizing I was there.

"Her immune system is very weak and she is resting right now, but I will come get you when she is a bit stronger and awake," Dr. Monroe gave me a sympathetic smile.

"Thank you," my mom said, shaking his hand again.

"I promise, we are doing everything we can for your daughter. I'll update you in about an hour or two," and with that, he disappeared back through the double doors.

"Logan, why don't you go home?" My dad asked, placing a gentle hand on my back. "There's no sense in all three of us sitting her twiddling our thumbs. Your mother and I will stay here and fill out some paperwork, but you can go home, get some food and pack a bag for Callie. She'll be here a few days and she's going to want her typical hospital things. You might grab a few things for the rest of us too."

As much as I didn't want to leave, I knew he was right. Time would pass even slower if I was just sitting her watching the seconds tick by on the clock on the wall.

"Okay. Call me with any updates, okay?"

"Okay son. Love you," my dad wrapped me in a bear hug.

"I love you too," I broke away from my dad and hugged my mom. My mom, who had always seemed invisible, now seeming frail and easily breakable.

I drove home on autopilot, hardly remembering making any of the turns or stops.

Turning the key in the lock to the front door, I stepped into the empty house. My footsteps echoed in the open foyer.

I kicked off my shoes, an old habit our mom had drilled into our minds, before heading upstairs.

I opened the small closet at the top of the stairs and grabbed a duffel bag, then headed into Callie's room.

I pushed my way into her room, inhaling the Wall Flower scent she constantly had plugged in. The scent of cinnamon spiced apples filled my nostrils and I let out a sigh before walking over to her dresser and grabbing a few changes of underwear and clothes.

I was digging through her t-shirt drawer when I felt something out of the ordinary. I wrapped my hand around it and pulled it out, revealing a cute journal with a hedgehog on the front. I smiled at the innocence of the notebook before carefully open it.

My throat caught as I read through it. It was a 'cancer diary'.

I felt like I should stop- just put the notebook down and respect her privacy. But something compelled me to keep reading. It was when I flipped the page for the umpteenth time that I realized why.

'Things I want to do before the Time comes' titled the page, written in Callie's neat, bubbly handwriting.

1. Dance in the rain

2. Road trip- just driving and stopping to do whatever we want. No hotels, just staying in the car.

3. Do something spontaneous

4. Go canoeing

5. See the ocean

6. Watch whales migrate

7. Hiking

8. Buy some crazy and some practical wigs

9. My first kiss

She had made me a list. Carefully, I shut the journal and placed it back in her drawer and continued to grab clothes from the dresser.

I was about to leave her room when I spotted the large clump of hair sitting at the top of her trash can. I sighed, letting my head drop a bit. That must have been why Callie was so stressed out this morning when we left. I knew she had been losing some hair, but I didn't realize how much was coming out at this point.

I flipped off the lights and headed to my bedroom to grab a few items, and then to my parents. I was almost done grabbing toiletries when my dad called. My breath caught as I fumbled to hit answer.

"Dad? Is she okay?" I choked.

"Logan, she's awake. She's awake and she's asking for you."

"I'm on my way right now," I responded, hanging up the call and shoving the last few items in the duffel bag.

I practically sprinted to my car and sped all the way to the hospital, going about 10 miles an hour over the speed limit, praying I didn't get pulled over.

As soon as I found a parking space, I leapt out of the car, bag clutched in my hand, and hurried into the lobby.

My dad was standing there, waiting for me.

"Where is she?" I asked, suddenly aware of how heavily I was breathing- the ultimate result of racing around, but partially because I had been holding my breath on the way over here.

"Follow me. You're going to have to wear scrubs, gloves and a mask to go see her because her immune system is still very weak," my dad said, leading me through some double doors and past a nurses station. He waved a hello at one of the nurses and they gave us a gentle smile. Recently, we had become well-acquainted with the nurses here, and they had always been very friendly.

"I'll let you go in and talk to her by yourself," my dad said, pointed to a box on the wall of scrubs and gloves that we needed to wear. Quickly, I got dressed up and looped a mask around my ears before heading in.

My heart sunk as I entered and saw Callie hooked up to so many machines, tubes and wires everywhere. She turned to me and her face broke.

"I'm so sorry," she began crying. "I'm so, so, sorry."

"Shh, it's okay," I whispered, hurrying over to her side and grabbing her hand.

"I'm so sorry Logan."

"Shh. It's okay. You're okay. I love you."

"I love you too, Logan. I'm so sorry."

"It's okay," without any control, tears began streaming down my face.

"You're crying," Callie pointed out, but tears were dripping down her cheeks as well.

"Please don't leave me," I cried.

"I won't. I promise."

And this time, it was her turn to hold me.