How I let it go

“in the end you can't always choose what to keep. You can only choose how you let it go.” - Ally Condie

Ziva's pov:

I was in Tel Aviv on the airport and watched how my ex-co-worker, my really good friend, the one I had feelings for walked into the plane. He turned around and smiled at me before he disappeared. I smiled back and tears rolled down my cheeks. I couldn't stop them from escaping my eyes; my life had changed. I left everything behind to start a new life, to move on about the past and I promised myself I would never ever go back to then. The past events will stay in the past. I've found out how much pain I cause all the people and that they don't even deserve it. I've found out what I've done all my life was so wrong and I wanted to change that. I can't take it anymore, I can't take it that there are so many people I caused pain. And I felt like nobody truly understood how I've felt, not even Tony. God, I already missed him, his smile and his caring side. Lately I was thinking maybe it was a mistake to leave, maybe I should have stayed, I've given everything up, my job, my friends, my family, my home; I gave everything up to start fresh, and there's this empty place in my heart only one person could fill: Very Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo.

But then I remember there was a reason why I've left. I've had my reasons. I couldn't keep my job, it would destroy me. I didn't want to cause any more problems and I knew if I had stayed everything would have gone worse. And I liked it the way it was. I didn't want it to get worse, so I've left. I let everything behind, so things will stay the way they've been. My friends, my family will live their lives like nothing ever happened and I will start a new life.

Leaving isn't easy, but I've chosen the easiest way; it might brought pain at first, but then it brought relief.