Let me help you out of darkness

Chapter 6

Castiel got up at around six in the morning, all tangled up with Dean. Somehow during the night Dean had allowed himself to be the little spoon and his back was now attached to Cas' chest. The angel really liked that. He didn't like the circumstances of why they were together but he liked having Dean this close to him. It made him feel strong and that he could keep Dean safe from all the bad that was in the world.

Moments like these were when Cas really missed his wings. He wanted so desperately to wrap them around the hunter and warm him from within. But he couldn't, not anymore.

"The only thing I wanted was for you to be okay Dean. That was my only wish." Cas sighed to himself. "I lo-. I lo-. I really care for you Dean. I know I cannot replace Sam, nor do I want to, but I want to make it better Dean, I need to make it better.

The angel didn't know that the man in his arms was wide awake and yet he said those words out loud hoping, praying, that Dean would understand.

Dean rolled over to face Cas and the light from the window was angles just right.

"You look beautiful, Dean."

Cas didn't know how Dean would take that but at that moment, it was the only thing that mattered. Dean Winchester was a beautiful soul, not tainted, not broken. Beautiful.

"You're not so bad yourself. Cas I-. I heard what you said. About wanting to make i-. Make it okay?"

Dean was finding it hard to talk and his words were caught in his throat. His eyes were still tearing up from the earlier events.

"I'm sorry Dean, if I've made you uncomfortable. I just had to get that off my chest."

Cas got up from the bed and walked to the window in front of the bed. He didn't know what to tell Dean. Well no, that's not true. He knew what to say, but no words could ever really emphasise just how much Castiel loved Dean. Dean was everything. Is everything. How do you tell someone that your life revolves around them? That you would rather give up on your heavenly grace and become a puny human just so you can feel their pain too?

It was so very difficult. Which was the opposite of how falling in love with Dean was. No, that was a bittersweet sensation overcoming your whole body because when Dean would smile, Castiel's heart grew ten times it's original size and when Dean was hurt, all the of the hurricanes in the world combined could not recreate the fire and anguish and utter pain that Castiel felt. Dean meant so much to Cas, so much.

It was silent for a few moments until Dean stood up and walked to his angel. He put one arm on Cas' shoulder and he said "I don't wanna lie to you Cas. I'm not okay and I don't think I've ever really been okay and now this? Sammy? My baby brother is gone and I can't bring him back. No matter what I do, it doesn't work Cas. Why won't it work? I'm scared. I'm so scared that if I-. I'm so scared that if I let myself love you, I'll forget about Sam. And I can't do that Cas. He's my responsibility, he's my Sammy."

Cas' eyes had widened at Dean's confession. Dean loved him. He loved Castiel. But he couldn't. He loved him but he couldn't love him. He could never be with him, kiss him good morning. Anything. Dean was so afraid of letting go of Sam that he would never let himself be happy. And now, hah, now Castiel, the once powerful angel is a worthless human who can never be truly loved and cared for.

That was a frightening thought.