BTS imagines:)

Self Harm- J-hope (Imagine)

Hello. Yes. Depressi time. Lets go!

It was too much. This whole world. Society. All those hateful fans. People in general. I wish I could disappear. I hate living.
My boyfriend of one year and three months has recently told his fans about me. Our relationship.
About 30% of the comments were about Hobi or me. The rest were hate on me. Some were "She's ugly" or "She's so fat" or "What type of name is Catherine?" or "She's doesn't deserve our Hobi" the list never ends. Although im not one to care much about other people's opinions this hurt. These were armys. Fans who support and love my Hobi. People that represent BTS. It boke my heart that most of them talk about me this way. It really hurt my self esteem. As if i wasn't insecure enough.
That isn't all though. Even people I know and love are hating on me. I checked though all social medias and some of the people i knew said things like "ew" and "They're such an ugly couple." And even "Catherine has a boyfriend? No way, I dont believe this bull." It was so irritating and annoying.
I kept scrolling through the comments under the picture of me and Hoseok together. The comments really got to me. Was I really that ugly? Did Hoseok lie to me all those times he called me beautiful?
I started sobbing uncontrollably. My semi long nails found their way to my pale forearm. I scratched hard and fast. There was big red marks left on my arms. I started to shake and go harder. At this rate blood started to come out. I didn't stop.
I stood up. Or at least tried. My legs were like jelly. Barely holding me. I walked to the kitchen that was thirteen feet away.
My blurry vision from tears caused me to bump into things. Which only ended up in me breathing harder.
I pulled on the silver button like handles. I quickly grabbed a small knife.
I fell to the ground from the shaking. I brought the knife to my skin. I grazed the blade across my skin. Over and over again. Going to several directions. My breathing didn't calm down. I kept going with the blade.
I screamed and shut my eyes when I felt the knife being ripped away from me. I started to kick at what ever took the knife away from me.
I heard the knife fall with a loud clatter.
Through my blurry vision I saw Hobi rush to his knees infront of me.
He gripped both my wrists to stop me from moving around.
"Catherine! Catherine! Stop!" I felt myself calm down a little but from his voice. I wasn't screaming anymore. I opened my mouth but nothing came out. I was still shaking and sobbing.
Hobi pulled me into a hug.
"Breathe. Its okay I'm here now. Just breathe." Hobi's voice was shaky and it cracked several times.

After what seemed like forever I stopped crying. I stopped shaking. I stopped moving in general.
Hobi was still hugging me. He pat my back softly.
He pulled away and I wimpered, wanting to hurt myself again.
Hobi grabbed my cheeks and turned my face to him.
"Why are you doing this?" His eyes where bloodshot. He was crying. My heart shattered.
"Its just living." My voice was quiet. Barely even a whisper.
"Stop it. Why would you try and leave me?" His voice was almost as quiet as mine. My heart broke all over again from his words. I didnt want to hurt him.
"You don't love me" I force my face away from him. Only to be pulled back again.
"W-what makes you say that?" His eyes started tearing again.
"Its just." I stop myself from talking. I was scarred he would hate me for telling him about his fans.
"Its just what? Tell me!" His voice raised. It scared me a bit.
"Please..." His voice went back to a whisper.
"Your fans hate me. They're right. I'm ugly and fat. You dont love me. No one can ever love me." My voice went back to normal. There was a complete silence that scared me. I look at hobi and I can see his heart brake in his eyes.
"Your not fat. Your not ugly. Your beautiful. Your an angel. Your everything to me. You are my whole world. My fans, they're just jealous. Please never do this to yourself. Its hurts me too. I love you." His lips quiver as he starts crying again.
I try to speak but nothing comes out. I just nod my head instead.
Hobi brought me into a hug as we both began to cry together. How could I ever hurt my sunshine?
After a couple minutes Hobi brings me to the bathroom. He pulles out a first aid kit from under the sink.
I sat on the toilet as he fixed my wounds.
As he put the last bandage on my arms he began to kiss my arm everywhere. I giggle a bit.
"I love you Catherine." Hobi stares into my eyes.
"I love you too Hobi."
He kisses my lips gently. We hugged for a couple of seconds. He let go and gave me a sweet smile. My heart ached. I smile back.

Wow. I cried. If you are in a problem and you self harm, talk to me. Im all ears and I wont judge. Catherine, if a blade ever touches your skin ill eat your ass. I mean beat* damn. I love you. Hope you enjoyed!