Deaf [REWRITING]

chapter one

Today is different.

Different, as in it doesn't follow my usual routine.

Normally, when I flutter my eyes open for the first time of the day to the light streaming through my curtains in a pattern of beams, I'm relaxed and I breathe.

But not today. Today, my chest is heavy with the weight of dread and my breath is a spurt of quick and irregular breaths.

Normally, I will open my closet and dress myself in something pretty. And then, I will sit down and do my makeup. My hair. I will make sure that I'm beautiful.

But not today. Today, I pull out a t-shirt and my favorite sweatpants and pair it with my worn and basic white girl sneakers.

Normally, I will make myself a smoothie for my breakfast. I'll blend in some spinach under layers of fruit and peanut butter so that I feel awake and happy to be returning to high school.

But not today. Today, I'm the one to make a pot of coffee rather than my stepmom. I make sure the roast is dark because God knows I need the caffeine.

And normally, I'm the one to drop my baby sister off at daycare.

But not today. Because today, I didn't wake up from the sunlight illuminating in my room. I woke because of my unrelenting anxiety in the early hours of the morning. It was too early to wake my sister up.

And so today, my stepmom will have to do it before work, because I won't be there to do it.

By the time my dad wakes up before my stepmom, he'll see the note on his nightstand that I left for him. He'll know that I'm long gone and downing my caffeine somewhere in the back of the school's parking lot.

It's been two hours already. The clock on the home screen in my car reads 6:49. School doesn't start until eight.

My coffee cup sits empty and abandoned in the cupholder. I have my legs outstretched across the steering wheel while I pick at my nail beds.

Parker will be here at 7:30. He always is. He and his schedule are almost more put-together than mine.

But I guess he has every reason to be, being the golden child of his family, the son of the principle, a star athlete, the student adored by all his teachers, and the one with the "beautiful and funny girlfriend!"

The thing is, I'm tired of being a part of Parker's personality description and Instagram bio.

We'd been together all of high school and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of living in the perfect snapshot of the girl I once wanted to be. My freshman vision of the upper-class version of myself.

Parker had become a part of my life so conveniently and perfectly for my little schedule when we met. At one point, I even thought we'd be together for the rest of our lives.

But I know now that I don't want that. I don't want the life of perfection and popularity and friends that don't care about me. I don't want to live in the life of a high schooler and I don't want us.

And more than anything, I'm terrified of telling him this. Of breaking up with all I'd ever known.

I check my appearance in the rearview mirror. My eyes wear dark shades of purple and pink and my cheeks are lined with blemishes. My hair is in a messy excuse of my ponytail even though I never wear it up.

If only I had some light makeup on, I'd look almost exactly like a Y/N from one of those shitty fanfictions.

I check the time again. 6:56.