Waiting For Magic (a Michael Clifford Fanfic)

chapter one

*listen to the song if u want*

TW: suicide, self harm, bullying

i love you
i do
but this isn't worth it
and i'm sorry
you don't understand me
i don't even understand me
my feelings are stupid
my purpose on this earth is to make others happy. this i know.
but i'm not! it's not working! no one smiles for me like they used to!
it's no longer worth it
and i'm sorry
and i love you
-stella elaine bowers

*****

I love rain.
Any time of year. Any place. Any day.
I just like rain.

I don't know why rain is associated with sadness. I find it relaxing; I'm most at peace when it's raining.

I like the kind of day at school where the rain falls and there are large classroom windows and the sky is gray and it's chilly inside and out and the classrooms are quiet except for the rain. And to my luck, today was that kind of day.

I feel a slight, yet sharp, breeze across me, and I glance over at the window, and sure enough, it's cracked open. I shiver slightly as I tug my grey Wham! hoodie's (passed down from my mom, of course) sleeves over my hands. It's sort of a nervous tick for me, that helps me feel safer, I guess. I decide to tighten my ponytail, fix my bangs, and push up my thick-rimmed glasses while I'm at it.

I rest my head on my desk and close my eyes, waiting for the bell to ring. It's the last period of the day and I can't wait to get out of this dump.

Let me explain something before I start bitching about my school and how much it sucks. My school's actually quite nice. It's an expensive, college prep academy with great programs, and even decent lunches. Parents *force* their kids to come here. My school itself isn't the problem. The people are.

Now don't get me wrong, everywhere you go you'll find bad people, but *fuck*, this place is full of em! Sure, I've got a few acquaintances here and there but...I'm not particularly well-liked or popular. In fact, I'm quite the opposite.

Of course, like any high school, we have the social groups: nerds, jocks, delinquents, straight A kids, weirdos, stoners, etc. But MY problem is, I don't seem to fit in with any of them. It seems like no group wants to associate with me. Even the other outcasts don't want a lot to do with me.

Oh, and don't forget the best of all: the HBICs (head bitches in control). Pops, Queen Bees, Plastics, whatever
you call em. We all got em.

And...they aren't particularly nice.

It doesn't matter if you are a nerd, emo, social outcast, they're gonna be mean to you. You've gotta be slim, hot, blonde and beautiful for them to even say say hi to you. And well, if you're anything but that, you end up like me. At the bottom of the food chain in your school, where even the other kids who get bullied are mean to you.

I don't know a lot but I do know these two things:
1. People aren't nice.
2. I'm really sad and I'm tired of it.

I pull my sweatshirt sleeves down even further, without lifting my head from my desk or opening my eyes. It seems like no matter how far I pull them down, I don't feel hidden or protected or safe enough. I never do. Not to mention, the asshole in the back won't shut that window, so it's a lil chilly.

The bell finally rings, so I pack my bag up super fast. I push past people in the hallways who are standing there, waiting for their friends.Why do they feel the need to socialize smack dab in the middle of the hallway? Beats me, sis.