Hey.
Sooo... Doyoung got me this. I don't really know why. I guess I've been feeling kind of down and kind of overwhelmed... but what good would a stupid journal be. It's so cliche... really.
"Write down whatever's on your mind," he said. Whatever. It's not like our manager or even the world would listen to me if the Mark Lee had a breakdown in the practice room today because he is literally preparing for three comebacks and about to pass out. I feel so tired.... staying up memorizing lines, then practicing all day, and on some days recording. It's literally like a nonstop cycle that never ends. Sometimes I wonder, is all of this just for going onstage worth it? I guess it is. The stage is like nicotine to me. I'm addicted to it.
Hmm, now that I'm thinking about it, it's the fans. Man, I don't say it as much as I should, but I love my NCTzens. I finally have a fandom I can call mine. I love them so much, journal, they'll never understand. I don't know how else I can show it, but I hope they realize that me exhausting myself everyday is just to put on a good performance for them. I really hope they realize... I don't know how much longer I can do this to myself.
Whatever. This is stupid. No one listens to me anyway. It's not like SM will let me get a therapist or something.
Oh well. Doyoung is my therapist. He's like my mom. It's nice to have, especially when you haven't seen your real mom in three years.
My hand is getting tired.
Wait. I want to give you a name, journal. Maybe... hmm... oh! I'll name it Hyuckie. After Donghyuck. He's been acting weird lately, especially around me. It's making me more sad, me and Hyuck are best friends. But I mean, I think all of us from NCT have. We have so many comebacks prepared... I'm stressed.
Okay. Um.
Goodbye now.
Time to put on another smile tomorrow I guess.
Mark L
Current mood: tired
PS I don't know how often I'm going to write in here. But I think it'll be whenever I can. Talk to you soon Hyuckie <3.
