What God Is Not

Chapter One | Slow Fade

I should've paid attention to what my eyes saw when I sat on that airplane during that one morning on a gloomy January. Fasten your seatbelt, it says, fasten it. I never saw the Crash coming. I thought I would be just fine. I believed in a lie, a lie that says I'll be just fine. That's how I realized my story was happening. I thought I already carried everything I needed with me that day, all the encouragement I needed, the books I wanted to read, all the gadgets I thought would keep me through the homesickness and  the most important thing to me at that time, my Bible, not to mention my highlighters.

I thought because I was holding onto my Bible I would be just fine. I heard too much prosperity preachings I never thought what I'd become the moment I'd hit my rock bottom. I grew up for 18 years, never had vices, never did drugs, never got drunk, never smoked, never slept with anyone, never stole anything, never had the guts to cuss... boy, that was me before the Crash.

So back to that January moment I was talking about, for awhile let me just take a deep breath first as I close my eyes and inhale all the memories I will bring you back to that very specific moment as if we are just living in the current situation of the past... I open my eyes this time and I see my 18 year old self again that is curious at the way things are, the airplane lands on the runway, I see her heaving a deep sigh of anticipation without any clue on what her new life is about to throw at her. Fasten your seatbelt, I wanted to warn her, fasten it tight but I was too late she needs to walk on her own feet because she has to.

I have to thank her nonetheless, because if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have been where I am now. For now, I am going to follow her and tell you everything she does and everything she says. I see her standing up now, I stand too, everyone else are getting their bags off the compartments above. She doesn't look like she has to go join them, she's carrying a huge backpack and I know for sure everything she needs are in there.

She puts on her earphones and I'm sure she's drowning herself in some Sidewalk Prophets song right now, I remember that one, this is not goodbye I know we'll meet again so let your life begin. She walks off the plane when the door opens, I walk beside her. She texts mom, I just landed I love you, puts her phone back inside her pocket and heads for her luggage. I study her face, it's filled with so much excitement.

Somehow my heart aches a little knowing that she is about to face the greatest tidal wave of her life so far and yet here I am a dimension away from her, I cannot do anything anymore but to just tell you all the details of all her heartaches which I know best even by heart. She waits until her luggage comes and she picks it up. Just by looking at her eyes I know she is scared, well I was really scared back in the days where I was still her. You're asking why is she scared?

She's scared because this is her first time away from home, she left everything behind, because she wants to pursue her life long dream. She's about to study in a film school where all that glitters seem real and she's scared of that because she has never gotten this far alone. She tugs a strand of her short hair behind her ears, she leaves and hails a cab, I get in as well. I can tell by the way she looks outside the window that she already misses home but there's a sense of helplessness in the situation now. It's now or never, she thinks.

She gets off the cab, I get off too, and ladies and gentlemen... this is her white house, a mansion, welcome to her dream school, the academy that will forever change her life. It's her first month here, she's made some good friends, but she's slowly slipping away. Evening comes, her first slow fade happens. After classes, her friends asked her out, "Yo man, Nin's party tonight! Everyone's invited. See ya!" Her thoughts would normally counter attack her, but she puts the still small voice on silent mode, she thinks well, I have never actually been to a house party before, in her hesitation I find her slip away. She knows she has to make friends or she wouldn't survive. She opens her mouth and I twitch a little, even though I already know this part, where she says yes to a party invite for the first time... but it still has the same effect on me. I remember the amount of alcohol consumed that night and it makes me wanna throw up. 

"Yeah sure, that'd be great. I'll just go get changed..." Go get changed, I wanna tell her, yes tonight marks the night of your Great Perhaps because you will certainly go and get changed. She walks to her apartment that is just across her school, reaches for the key in her pocket, opens it. She enters the room, opens her closet and checks out her stuff. "Oh crap, there's nothing good to wear here at all..." When she says there's nothing good to wear, she means, nothing that will flaunt out her body or skin or would make her look sexy or attractive to.... let me just clear my throat first... to her academy crush. She's got good clothes, but this style won't make you fit in. No one will ever notice you. No one will say, oh you have such a pretty dress or wow I just totally like your sense of fashion. No one. So you have to see how she does it. She does it for survival. I understand her. 

She hears a silent voice in her, I know, I heard that too. Dress modestly. I check her expression, guilty at first but later on she spots a slightly revealing sleeveless top she's never worn before. Dress modestly, let it be an unfading beauty of a gentle spirit and----I hear her interrupt the small voice in her head------as she puts it on. She adds more layers and layers as she puts on a thick amount of black eyeliner and black eye shadow. I cringe the moment I see her putting on lipstick. Not that I'm overreacting but because she doesn't really put on stuff such as dark red lipsticks or dark black eyeshadows and insert anything else here. 

I look at her wall, the Christian stuff are still there, it's a bit of a relief. However, what saddens my heart right now is the fact that sooner or later, the verses up on her wall will still be removed. What scares me the most is when she willlfully finds her way out of this apartment and move somewhere else. Tonight, she will be drunk for the first time. Her anger will cause her to do so. Her pain will become the opening to her slow fade. Tonight, she will not be able to control herself. She will throw herself in there to grab all the attention she lacked. She will slowly deny her Jesus. 

I continue to sit on her bed while I watch her turn into someone else.