The person I become

The Accident

" Dad, are we there yet?" I was 7. It was my first school day so I was very nervous.
" Almost, sweetie. Don't worry. You will be fine." I nodded from the back seat.
A few minutes later ~
" Dad, watch out!!" I screamed when a truck came out of nowhere.
" Hang on, sweetheart! " my dad turned quickly to the other side, but it was too late.
" Dad!!! " the car crashed into the truck. Luckily, I was in the back so I survived. There was blood everywhere I see. The blood of my dad.
" Dad!!! Wake up, dad!!! Please!!! DAD!!! " my head felt dizzy. Everything happened so fast. I couldn't think straight. Tears falling out of my eyes. " Dad..." the dizziness was too much for me to handle and I passed out.
In the hospital ~
" Neola! Sis, wake up! Don't leave me alone, I need you!!" I heard my 9 years old brother screaming from a distance. I wanted to open my eyes, but I couldn't. I was in a coma. However, I can still hear what's happening around me.
" Please, come back. We miss you. You are in a coma for 3 weeks now. Please, little sis. Come back to me." something dropped on my face. Is... is he crying?
" Brother..." I tried to speak, but the words never left my mouth.
" I'm sorry, Mr. Mark. But if she doesn't wake up the next few weeks, we will have to take out her life support."
" No, please doctor! Give her more time!" my mom cried.
" I'm afraid I can't buy you more time. My apologies." the sound of a door closed so I assumed that he left.

I couldn't see anything. I was surrounded by darkness. What happened? Why am I in a coma? I remember getting into the car with dad. We were on our way to the school. That's it! A truck hit us then I passed out! But what happened to dad? I tried to remember. Nothing. This is depressing.

Everyday my brother and my mom came to visit when it's afternoons. I knew because he told me what happened in the school and other little things.
" Neola, I'm back." he moved a chair to sit next to me. " Sorry that I can only come here in the afternoons. Have to go to school you know. When are you going to wake up? Mom is worried sick and so am I." I felt a warmth around my hand. He's taking my hand in his." I miss you, sis. Promise me that you will come back. Promise me. "
I... I promise." again the words never reached out to him. It was like a one sided conversation with no respond.

The next day, he came back. With mom. Mom usually doesn't talk to me cause she's too upset to speak.
" Sis..." he sighed. " The school is so boring without you. I want us to go to school together. One of my classmates, David is driving me nuts. He is such a bully! You would probably tell me to man up so I can defend myself."
I laughed silently in the darkness. It's true. My brother can be a coward sometimes. I just wanted to see him so badly. To see him and hear about his silly jokes again. I also miss mom. She must be so worried about me. Coma sucks! Especially if you can only hear, not able to speak with the other people or even move!
" Hey sis..." I put my full attention on his voice, not that I have a choice anyway. " What if you never wake up? You would die...... and I would be left alone."
" That's not going to happen!" I tried to tell him. " I promised I will go back to you. I'm not going to break that promise."
" Don't get me wrong. I'm not giving up yet. But.... In case you never wake up.... I hope you would be happy. Don't forget to look after me and mom up there, ok?" he started to cry. I can feel it. From how his hands are shaking in mine, the tightness he's holding me. Like he doesn't want me to go. Like he's afraid of losing me. A tear dropped through my eyelashes.
" Oh James... " I silently said.
" But no matter what happens. Don't forget that I love you, sis. Don't forget me, please." the shaking became more intense, tears flowing freely down his face.
" I... I love you too, brother." no response. Again.
2 weeks later ~
" Neola. Dear, you have to wake up soon. The doctors are going to take out your life support in the next 2 weeks. " my mom said, for the first time in awhile.
" Mom..." I tried to speak. Nothing happened. It's like there's a wall between us that I can't get through.
" Don't forget our promise, sis. " my brother came to me and kissed my forehead.
" Don't worry... I won't." the two of them left.
A few days before the deadline ~
" Sis! You have got to wake up!! Don't you dare die on me! Come back, come back!" tears raining down onto me.
I didn't know what to say, not that he can hear me even if I tried. What if I never wake up? Then what would happen to my family?
' Don't worry about it, dear.' a voice as same as mine said in my head.
" Who are you? Why do you have my voice?" I asked no one in particular.
' I am you, silly. You created me during the accident. I'm princess.'
" So you are the one who is responsible for my memory lost."
' Yes, I did it to protect you.'
" From what?"
' You will see.'
" OK...? " weird.

The day of the deadline ~
" Sorry, but we have to do it. It's time."
" Please, doctor!! Give her some time!!" James begged while sobbing.
" I wish I could, however her time is up. She won't be awaking up any time soon. I'm sorry." the doctor was going to take out the life support, until I opened my eyes and started to scream.
" Dad!!! DAD!!! WHERE IS HE!!? " I screamed at the top of my lungs.
" Shh... Shh... Calm down, sis. You're alright. "
" Where is dad? " I demanded after calming down.
" Neola..." he didn't finish the sentence.
" Honey... He died. In the car accident." mom said sadly.
Everything started to come back to me. The accident. Dad's lifeless body. The blood. And how I passed out.
" No... NO!!!" I was full on crying by then. He's gone. He's really gone. Forever.
" Let's get you home, dear. " my mom said and we left the hospital.
That was the day princess was created. She protects me from those horrible memories, at the same time, being a child. That was when everything changed in my life and there was no return.
Beep ~ Beep ~ Beep ~ Beep ~
My alarm started to ring next to my bed. What a dream. I haven't had a dream about dad for years.
" Hey sis, you alright? " I looked up to my brother standing near the door, still wearing his pajamas.
" Yeah... just a nightmare about the accident again." he came to my bed and hugged me in his arms, playing with my hair at the same time.
" You haven't dreamed bout dad in a long time. What's wrong? " I sighed.
" Probably it's caused by mom. She keeps blaming me for it. She thinks that I was the reason dad died. And she also blames me for the divorcement with our step dad. I hate her. " James didn't say anything, just hugged me tighter.

James was always mom's favorite. She compares my brother with me. ' Why can't you be more like your brother?' ; ' Be more useful for once!' ; ' I wished that I never gave birth to you!' and shit like that. I was jealous of my brother. He always gets what he wants and I had to fight for it. Mom and I argue, a lot. Sometimes she gets violet in our argument and started to hit me. One time, she even threw me my luggage and told me to move out. That she didn't want me anymore. My brother was always the one who's able to calm her down.
" I'm leaving soon to meet with my friends. You know, the ice skating thing."
" Be careful and have fun." he left my room. I got dressed quickly, ate my meal and went out.
After spending time with the friends ~
" I'm back." no answer. No one's at home.
" Prefect. "
' Let's get this party started!' princess cheered.
No one knew about my different selves. I kept it a secret from everyone, including my own family. They don't need to know everything about me. Everyday is a show to me. I let the world see what they want to see, but that's not who I really am. It's like a game to me and I'm a great player. I act like I care, like I feel anything. It's funny and ridiculous how people believe you so easily, if you know how to play it right.

I took my wallet and left again.

" Hey dad..." on my way to my dad's grave, I bought some flowers. " I miss you, dad. I really wished that I died with you that day. I'm tired of everything." I kneeled down in front of his grave. I always come here when it's his birthday. After all these years, I still remember him.
" The people disgust me. You never know who will betray you next or turn against you. " I sighed." This world is better off without me anyway. I'm worthless. That's what mom calls me all the time. A worthless brat." I laughed bitterly. " See you around, dad. " the empty, cold graveyard gives me peace and safety. No one ever comes here, so this is one of my hiding place. An escape from that cruel world out there. I went home after telling my dad what happened during the year after my last visit. Brother hardly comes to the graveyard anymore, it's like he totally forgot about him. I never blamed him. They were never close to each other, but not with me. I was dad's favorite, however after his death I had no one to rely on, except my brother.
" I'm home."
" It's already pretty late. Where the hell were you?" mom asked annoyed.
" Dad's graveyard." I simply said and went to bed.