Paradox

Choices.

Choices lead actions. Reminding yourself of this simple fact you once learnt somewhere – but never really took the time to think of it, until you experienced it on your skin – you approach the kitchen drawer, knowing it contains the only cure. The only medicine to help ease the pain and suffering of that pitch black soul of yours. Time stands still as you hesitate. The questions come flowing to your head, as a thousand times before. You doubt yourself even about this, but you can't take the thought of having to exist this way for one more second.
You stop thinking and take a step forward again. You imagined how it would go a million times before. In a matter of seconds, the numbing, cold tears begin to run down your pale, lifeless face. Though it doesn't last long. Wiping the last tear away,
in seconds that were seemengly hours, you open the kitchen drawer once again, ready to face whatever you're led to do by your brain.

From your face, it's obvious that this isn't the first time having second thoughts about the your precisely planned out way of events. Telling yourself to follow the orders your mind has given, you try to go through with everything you noted in your head in your worst moments. The list of these occasions is long and your ideas vary, but they mostly result in the same outcome. Pleasing people by acting as they told you to for once, would be one way to put it. You probably never wanted anything more in this life– nothing you can remember, anyway. As you reach towards the handle of the drawer, the sleeve of your old, navy blue shirt slides up just enough to reveal the bright red and lighter pinkish shades of natural paint as some would call it, turning your soft, seemingly weak skin into a self destructive piece of art, which – as most famous artworks – was inspired mostly by people and their comments for improvements that they were hoping to see so bad. Surprisingly, pain inflicts emotions that we didn't even think were living inside us. Some call it an inner monster, others just assume we gain these feelings whenever we're so badly hurt that our soul needs to find new ways to express everything going on inside us.

Not wanting and not managing to match the expectations of others. That's the reason as to why you decided your days were coming to an end. Also, judging by what people said, it would please them if you ended it. People will never give up on hope that you will finally break, but you've had enough of caring about what people want. And that's what ends up breaking you. You want to find your own way of doing things and acting as you want, because that's how others do it and that's what others want to tell you to do; that's what you were taught, how you were raised. So really, there is no right way of doing things. But doing things differently makes some ways better than others, meaning they aren't as bad– wrong – as the other methods. So does that still give a meaning to right and wrong or is it wrong to judge it that way? This sentence was probably the right way to put it... or was it wrong to assume such thing?