more poems

submit

My name
Called once
Twice
Then too many times to count
My eyes
Wide in disbelief-
Not entirely true
Because a part of me knew
I would be first

When my eyes caught theirs
On my arm in the air
Just barely
But there
I knew
I'd be first

Face in hands
Hands and face shaking
Anxious
They're mistaken
I can't be first

Legs still not understanding
Now I'm standing
Walking,
Handing my phone over
Music on pause
Hands on vibrate
Brain on silent
Until my eyes meet the eyes
That sacrificed me
That made me first

My brain scrambles
For the muscle memory
I hope I retained
And my lungs
Seem to have forgotten
Their purpose
Because I'm first

First beat
Deep breath
I envision my room
Where I've done it
A hundred times
But this time's different
This time
I'm not in my room
I haven't done this
A hundred times
In this specific spot
And now I think
My muscles
Have retained nothing
Because I'm forgetting
Forgetting everything
Everything I thought up
Thought I had down
All because I'm first

First run is over
And halfway through
My memory fucked me over
And I only have
One more try
One more time
To get this right
I jump around
To loosen up
Physically
Mentally
I'm not ready
But I have to be
Because I'm first

They say
Third time's a charm
But I need this second
To be a gem
Because it's all I've got
And with that thought in mind
I zero in on myself
See the moves I brought together
As they come together
On my body's opposite
A bit sloppy, I must admit
But I did it
My legs are al dente
My heart a jackhammer
My lungs working overtime
Trying to make up
For all the time they lost
Oxygen they missed out on
Because I went first

I finished
I did it
I did what I rehearsed
I submitted
My first submission
And I submitted first