the day that time stood still (thasmin)

chapter 18

(third person pov)

As soon as the Gergastran exits the TARDIS, a heavy veil falls upon it and its passengers, filling the infinite void of space with a harrowing silence. Both women felt its presence, and neither wished to fight it, so they continued floating through the Primaxum Galaxy. Neither took any notice of what was outside the wooden box, which was unusual enough. There was no whirring to fill the silence, no breathes loud enough to cut through it, no steps echoing through the vast interior of the TARDIS.

As soon as the doctor let out a deep breathe she was holding in, both women moved, the silence broken enough take advantage of the slither of time. They walk in unison, in opposite directions; the doctor to the base of the control room, and Yaz to the library. Both remained separated for an unbearable amount of time, and the whirring, although it had returned, said nothing. Out of habit, the doctor heads to the controls, pacing around before looking up, mouth open as she starts to form words that would fall on no-one's ears but her own. No yaz to ask "where to next?" or "can you just spin that hot tap spinner?" or "do you want to pull the lever?". There was no-one to bounce facts off of. No-one to talk questionable nonsense with. The woman collapses on the soft sofa positioned behind her, overcome with the memory of what it is like to be alone.

Down the corridor, Yaz finishes the second Galifreyan fairy tale, which are more like Grimms than Disney. Cautionary tales jumping of the page, filling the woman's head with obtrusive thoughts about the meaning of them. Warnings about loneliness and pushing away people out of spite, warnings about meddling in time and the dangers of time travel. Closing the book, Yaz stands and heads to the woman the control room, hoping that she doesn't have to be the first one to talk to the lonely child of a woman, but knowing that there is no other way around this debacle.

Once she reaches the control room, Yaz lets out a big sigh, alerting the alien of her presence. There were visible tears which adorned the time lord's cheeks, who only looked up long enough for yaz to see the light reflecting off of them.

"we need to talk doc." The statement met still air, and there was no response for yaz to work with. Letting her police training kick into action the woman tries, again. To start up a conversation.

(yaz pov)

I breathe in and out steadily, following the advice I have given so many young women before. My steps are small and gentle, so not to startle the doctor. I know I have to chose my words carefully.

"doctor, I know there must be a lot going through your mind. And that's okay. Its okay to be feeling like th-"

"no. No it's not okay." She snaps. Her voice rattling and echoing around us. "none of this is okay, yaz. It doesn't matter what you say. I know its not okay, its not okay. It is not okay." Shouting was expected, things like this never go down smoothly. But it felt like a wire in her brain broke, or got fixed. Her voice carried the sentences naturally. This isn't the doctor I know, maybe it is the real one, the one she becomes when alone. Her voice continues to rise " I should have never gone, it was too dangerous. Far too dangerous. Never re-visit a place. Theres so much to risk. So much I can mess up. I know this but I get cocky." She laughs at herself, the sight seems more like something you would see in an indie thriller than from the doctor. Happy-go-lucky doctor. "i forgot her yaz." She chokes out through a voice crack. "how could I forget her, I loved her for so long. I mourned her for so long and I forgot her." The anger in her voice subsides, leaving the rawness of the pain to reveal itself.

"doctor-"

"no. dont say a word yaz, you don't now what it is like to forget someone that important. And she was so important to me. She brought me back out of my shell after Amy and Rory. Did I tell you that? She, single handily, dragged me out of my depressive state and I forgot her? Its like you forgetting ryan, or your sister. How could I forget her yaz? How?"

"okay, so you forgot her? What would you have done if you did remember, because obviously she hadn't met you yet." I try to remain reasonable and calm, but my own anger seeps through. How can the doctor be so stupid? "if you remembered you could've ruined it for yourself, your past self or whatever. Maybe this is what made her eventually meet you."

"you wouldn't understand yaz."

"no. I think I understand doctor. We have another... situation, if you didn't remember , or are you letting someone else, someone who is dead to you I might add, get between any possible future we could have together? You are so selfish sometimes." I regret saying it immediately but its what I feel, and its the truth. Yes, she needs to process but she cant spend another lifetime wallowing when I am here now. And I won't be here in a fifty years when she decides its been long enough. Her face changes at 60 miles per hour, from anger to disappointment. then sadness, back to anger, realisation, and back to sadness. Her eyes avoid looking up at me, tears rolling down and dropping on the floor, breathes heavy but empty. She starts to walk around the console, pressing and prodding at buttons, pulling the lever, allowing us to take off.

"you need to leave." She says, her voice hollow, void of emotion. "i'll let Ryan and Graham know I wont be returning again."

"no!" I say, my body goes into autopilot and I cant control anything I do. "doctor. You can't be alone like this."

"i can do what I want, yaz. I'm old, older than you could imagine. Just leave, and dont turn back, because I will already be gone." She says, walking towards she, shuffling me out of the door like I am a sheep.

"please be careful doctor, look after yourself." I say as I walk out of the TARDIS door, possibly for the last time.