art // random [ mostly hamilton tbh ]

i dont get it

um

this is kinda a vent.

i don't usually post about my feelings n shit, but i kinda want to just so i seem more human and not as much of an asshole.

anyway

i don't get how people just do stuff with confidence. i'm not so much unconfident with myself, but the things i used to like, for example, writing and art, make me panic and stress.

i feel obligated to write so i don't let you down

and then i don't try my hardest

so i hate it. i hate my writing, and i don't know what happened. i used to love it. i used to understand that it wasn't perfect, but all i needed to do was practice.

my english teacher told me i wasn't good at writing

now it's just

i don't know. it just isn't fun anymore.

the same thing goes for art. i notice every flaw and eventually give up. my dolls fanart took me days to do because i kept giving up.

some days i feel like fuckin jasmine when it comes to my voice

and other days i feel like um
my dad

no offence, dad. i love you

actually no.  i don't.

he makes me feel like shit. calling me his "perfect straight girl"

bitch if only you knew

"gays go to hell"

burn, baby. burn.

oh, and my stepmom too!!

"your thighs are too big to wear shorts"

and now they wonder why i skip breakfast and lunch.

my mom and grandmother are the only ones who supports me.

my mom painted me a bisexual flag for my bedroom,, encourages me to keep trying at everything i do,, and got me my pets! i love em!

and my grandmother makes me smile. she tries her hardest to make my dad less homophobic since she also knows about my sexuality, and knowing that someday her time will be up fucking crushes me

also my little sister.

god, where would i be without my ana. i love that idiot with everything i have. she's like a mini me, and i love it. she gets my jokes, my references, and when my friend tried to kill herself, even though her eight year old mind didn't understand why i was sad, she still hugged me and helped me through it.

i'm gonna stop now. i don't like being this open. it's kinda scary honestly

but thanks for listening.