Entry #1 Month 1, Day 1
Dear World,
You can't even imagine the pain I'm in. I feel so alone. No one even cares anymore. Most of my friends have given up on me. They claim that I'm "too difficult" and "too depressing to be around". All of those comments only made me feel worse. I've been going to therapy nonstop to try and help my depression. My therapist said to write in a diary to help get my thoughts out. She promised that she wouldn't read it, not that I would care if she did. In fact, the diary is completely optional. She thought it would be best, and she's the expert in this. Anyways, I've thought about ending everything. I feel that it's the only way out. I've never gone through with anything, though. Not even purposely hurting myself. I've resulted to mentally hurting myself. It doesn't help anything, it only makes me worse. I've gotten so bad that I've stopped dyeing my hair. How can so many souls be crowded together, and all of us feel so alone?
Entry #4 Month 1 Day 21
Dear World,
I would say nothing has changed since my last entry, but that would be a lie. I met a girl. An absolutely gorgeous, hilarious girl. I was coming out of my therapists' building. I had ear buds in, as usual with Backseat Serenade by All Time Low blaring through the little buds. Of course I wasn't paying attention so I ran right into a beautiful purple haired girl. Her smile was dazzling as she apologized for running into me. I told her that it was my fault because I was the one that wasn't paying attention. Needless to say, she completely believed it was her fault. As an "I'm sorry" she forced me to go get coffee with her. We found that we had many things in common. We both loved our music. Especially All Time Low, Green Day, The Maine, Black Veil Brides, and a hell of a lot more. She was really funny too. She had my dirty sense of humor which helped coax an actual laugh out of me. To be completely honest, she's made me happier in that small hour I was with her than I have been in a long time. For the first time in a long time, I felt like myself.
Entry #6 Month 1 Day 26
Dear World,
I got to see that purple haired girl again. She seemed to be waiting for me , but quickly defended herself by saying that she just wanted to stand in that spot because it's a great place to take pictures. I obviously didn't believe her. I guess she felt the same connection I did. We finally exchanged names since we forgot to do that last time. Her name is Lissa. A fitting name for such a beautiful woman. She's the girl of my dreams. She insisted that we go out for coffee again, claiming that she didn't want to go alone. I agreed hesitantly. I was actually supposed to meet Cal, Luke and Ash. I called Ash and explained the situation. He could tell that I really liked this girl so he rushed to get me off the phone. I once again felt like my old self. We talked about the best places to dye your hair. She didn't seem surprised when I told her that I used to dye my own hair. When I used past tense, she asked why I don't anymore. I grew quiet and she immediately apologized, which wasn't necessary. How could she know about the mental war I've been having with myself for a long time now? I felt bad at how quickly she apologized for it.
Entry #4 Month 2 Day 15
Dear World,
Lissa has called me every night to heck up on me. She found out about everything the day after we exchanged numbers. She knew something was wrong and coaxed it out of me, with a lot of bourbon in the process. I've been so much better since she came around. I've even started going back out with the boys, which they were happy about. I guess it was all in my head when I thought they were only pretending to care. I can't believe I ever doubted them. Lissa asked me to go to her hair appointment with her. I'm pretty sure she thinks she can convince me to dye my hair again. It probably won't work, but I said I'd go with her anyway. I think I'm slowly returning back to the old me The happy me. All because I ran into a crazy haired chick. My psychologist said that my next meeting with her will be my last. That made me both happy and sad. Happy that I've gotten so much better. Sad that I won't see her again. It was nice to have someone willing to listen to me 27/7. I guess Lissa will have to listen to me even more now.
Entry #20 Month 3 Day 4
Dear World,
I met up with Lissa tonight. I can't believe I could be so dumb. I went and ruined our entire night all because I made a move on her. I thought she felt the same! She sure as hell acted like it! Boy was I wrong. She told me she a boyfriend. A BOYFRIEND! In the months I've known her, she never mentioned that important fact. Never once hinted that she was in a relationship. I know I shouldn't be angry, but I am. To let out my anger, I went to Ash's house and played the drums. I don't know how to actually play, so it sounded awful. Thank God his basement is soundproof. It felt really good to hit something, though. I had to go upstairs when I broke one of his drumsticks. I felt awful and told him that I would pay for a new one. He denied my offer. He said that I could repay him by telling him what happened. I was hesitant, but I told him nevertheless. He felt bad for me and is letting me stay at his place tonight. I've made it a habit of carrying this journal around with me. It really helps.
Entry #26 Month 3 Day 26
Dear World,
Lissa and I reconciled about two days ago. We decided to have some fun, but didn't want to go out. She bought a bottle of vodka and we drank until we couldn't think or walk straight. We had a lot of fun. We talked mostly. She finally found out about everything that's wrong with me. She held me while I cried, as unmanly as that sounds. The whole night my mind kept trying to tell me to make a move on her. Thankfully, drunk me didn't listen. But, drunk me was pretty stupid. Lissa's boyfriend texted her while she was in the bathroom. She said something about puking, then showering. My curiosity got the best of me and I looked at the message. He was asking if he could come over. Drunk me texted back, because he had a plan. Lissa walked back into the about 10 minutes later. She had an oversized shirt on, but no pants. I don't remember much after that. I think I said something sexual or said that she was hot. Something around those lines. Next thing I knew, she was straddling me and we were making out. Out of nowhere, her boyfriend barges into the room, raising all kinds of hell. Things ended with me being kicked out, listening to them fight.
Entry #30 Month 3 Day 30
Dear World,
Lissa won't answer my calls or texts. What did I do?
Entry #32 Month 4 Day 15
Dear World,
She's still not answering. I went to her house, but she sent me away.
Entry #34 Month 4 Day 19
Dear World,
I had expected me to go back to how I was before Lissa, but I didn't. Yes, she made me happy, but I don't need to rely on her for my happiness. After I got kicked out of her house, I started thinking. The reason I was so happy around her is because I let her make me happy, if that makes any sense. I think the boys expected me to go back to the way I was as well. They were really happy when I went over to Ash's so that we could all hang out, and maybe even have band practice. Ash told me he kept my guitar over there, just in case. That made me extremely happy. I wasn't sad the entire night. Lissa hadn't even came into my thoughts. It felt as if we were back in high school. Which was only about 2 years ago, but still. This is the happiest I've been in such a long time. I've learned the most important thing you can ever learn, self love and happiness. Some people come into your life to teach you a lesson, then leave. Lissa taught me that I don't need other people to make me happy. I can make myself happy.
[A/N] Sorry this one sucks. It was really out of my comfort zone to write something through a journal. I've never done it, so I'm sorry. Hope you enjoyed this!
