Just This Once

14

Jughead's POV

When I walked back inside, I didn't know what to do. It killed me to think about what Betty was doing, if she was thinking about me or not. I thought about the first time we said I love you.

"Hey, Jug, are you okay?" Betty walked up to me in the middle of the school dance.

"Yeah. Just some shit with my dad."

"Let's go home." We walked back to the trailer, and she looked so worried. When we got there, she looked around for my dad.

"He's out drinking again, Betts." I acted like it was the most obvious answer in the world.

"Jughead, I know he will get better. He just needs some help and some money. I'll get a job at Pop's and you can get one at that drive-in, and then he can get the help he needs." She was rambling, determinedly trying to find a way to fix my life.

"Betty, thanks, but he's not going to stop."

"No but we can find a way."

"Thank you, Betty, but no" She turned to me and frowned.

"But I know we can do it." And then, it just kind of slipped out.

"I love you, Betts." She looked confused for a moment, but her eyes were shining.

"What did you say?" She whispered.

"I love you." She smiled up at me and kissed me lightly before whispering those three words right back.

"I love you." We kissed again, smiling to ourselves that it was mutual. That concept had always confused me. Mutual love.

I thought so much. All of the good moments.

"Hey, Cooper."

"What do you want?" I could tell that she was trying not to look at me.

"I think you know." I smirked at her. I could see her face burning red. "Which do you think was weirder? How we woke up, or you walking in on me naked?"

"I don't know, man. I am just here to make your life more awkward." She went back to herself. I stood up and walked towards her, taking the spoon out of her hand and using it to eat some ice cream myself.

"Hey!" She took the spoon back and I took that tub of ice cream and threw it across the room. "You really are an asshole." She laughed looking down at me. Our faces were so close.

"That is my specialty." I whispered against her lips. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily. I could feel my heart racing, and I could almost hear hers too.

I pulled away, wanting to tease her as long as I could. We were supposed to hate each other after all.

I could see her face burning red before I walked out of the kitchen. Holy shit, she was hot when she was embarrassed. I loved it.

And then my mind traced back to what she said just a little bit ago.

"Archie, I don't love him! I'm going to be fine, I'll find someplace. Okay? I'm fine."

I hated myself so much. She thought that the only reason I ever started being nice to her was out of pity. She thought that I only loved her when she was broken. And that killed me.

I walked to the bathroom and searched for my dad's pills. I grabbed them and walked to my room to find a pen and paper.

Betts,
I'm sorry you thought I only loved you because of your mom, and I'm sorry that I'm about to put you through more pain. I just don't know if I can live without you. Ever. My life feels like hell, but with you, it was always perfect. And I know that I'm never going to get you back because I know that you don't love me. Maybe you'll be okay. You'll be fine, you'll find someplace. Okay? You're fine.
I love you and I don't know if I can stop. I don't know how I've ever lived without you before. I know we're just stupid teenagers and this probably doesn't matter to you, but this is still what I need in my life. Right now. And I can't have it. I can't have you.
Betty, I'm sorry. But I need to be selfish. Just this once.
Love, Jughead

And I swallowed all the pills.