I was working on my biggest problem: Being weird. I ignored it, because it was what she seemed to do. She had an inner peace that I could only admire. Of course I couldn't just go along and accept myself as I was. Because I wasn't perfect, and only perfection could do.
I pushed my feelings away, tried not to feel. It was easier that way. Easier than to feel the pain insecurity brought, the pain imperfection brought. It did not help at all, that it was first day of school, after the vacation.
I had the same cloth on as yesterday, as it was the most Kamilah-like I could find. Ponytail, check. Earrings check. I had sneaked into her room to steal the other one that night. She couldn't use it anyway, and she rarely had them on. She would never notice.
As a perfect sister, she followed me to school. It was a 5 minute walk, and we soon arrived.
The school building looked threatening, with its dark brick walls and the old windows screeching every time the wind blew. Kamilah quickly kissed me on my forehead, the disappeared in the opposite building, looking exactly like the one in front of me, where she had school. The little school yard I stood in was covered in shadow, as the two buildings where trapping it, and keeping the light out.
I didn't mind, the sun was too hot. Too sharp. And too light. In the light you see everything. Every little detail. Every little imperfect detail.
Ironic, that this house of hell, the place on earth I wish most not to be, was the reason to my success. It was because of the yells down the hallway, because of the mocking of my fellow students, because of my dear classmates telling me that a person like me should go to hell, that I was where I was now. It was because of these things that I had even started. Started looking for perfection. Who knew that I happened to live with it?
I straightened up, and smoothed out my dress. I held my head high, and walked through the hallway. The grey stone walls looked as if they could use a wash. But I didn't care. I walked through a heavy wood door in my usual classroom, and sat down. Here I was.
School for me, was a test on my abilities. A test, of how I was without Kamilah to supervise me. I had become better the last few months. Soon I could make without her. I sat down in the front row, and waited to the moment when the class would finally start. My fellow students where slowly arriving and taking sitting down on the cold and hard wood chairs. The screaming sound of the bell came, and everybody quickly took place, if they hadn't already.
As always Ms. Binnet was too late. I could feel someone pull in my ponytail, I wanted to turn around, but as I tried, the owner of the strong fist who had a solid grip around my hair, pulled harder. My head got dragged back, and my neck hurt, there where it hit the edge of the backrest. I fought to not let tears in my head.
Don't, I thought.
Don't cry.
So I inhaled, and pushed once again all the feelings away.
Don't be angry.
Kamilah was never angry. She never got mad at stupid things.
"Does it hurt Lilith?" a voice grunted behind me. I should have predicted. Of course it could only be one person: Tyana. The only good thing was that she must have been the only person, who didn't only bully me because of my obvious perfection. She practically hated everyone who was better at her in anything, whether it was something like looks or family, or smaller stuff like a better pencil. Everyone knew that her parents where on a verge to divorce, if it hadn't already happened. Well, if you can't be perfectly nice, just be perfectly mean, was my conclusion. And with this thought, I pulled forward fast. It hurt in my hair, but I had caught Tyana in surprise, and she let go.
"Just because you have family problems, doesn't mean pulling my hair will help" I retorted.
It wasn't because I didn't understand her. Sometimes I felt the urge to punch something -or rather someone, just so the person knew what I was feeling inside. But usually I managed to lock every feeling away, and lately I hadn't had any urge to punch someone at all. Just because Tyana chose to wallow in self-pity with her pigs’ snout, didn't mean I had to. I had straightened my dress again, and made a new ponytail, Ms. Binnet chose to make her entrance.
"Wonderful! You're all here!" She smiled, as she always did.
"I hope you had an absolutely splendid vacation!"
I smiled to her, not anything exaggerated, just a simple smile.
"Today in history, we will have about Queen Terura this lesson. I hope you are ready to embrace the new school year with joy in your hearts and smiles on your lips."
Ms. Binnet wasn't like all the other teachers, but again, she was new to the school. I don't know what I preferred, her or the other gloomy teachers, with their breath smelling from old coffee and their piercing eyes.
I was relieved when the school day finally stopped and I could go back home. Back where I could practice perfection.
It was the day everything changed. Like a chain reaction.
They looked so beautiful together, so perfect. And truly, they where the perfect couple. Hiding in the hallway, behind a stone column. Jamyl must have had school in the same building as me, because I saw them standing there, on the way out.
There heads where poised to a kiss. Her hair hang loosely, and they where so close, that it touched his shoulder. There eyes where closed. I tried to walk past them, without even glance at them, but I followed them with my eyes, and envy started to creep up, as their perfect love was sealed with a kiss.
I knew I had lost. There was no other like him in the whole school. Some random boy wouldn't do. He wouldn't be perfect. His golden hair wouldn't gleam in the sunlight, like thousands of stars, and his eyes wouldn't be ocean-blue. Again, I pushed the feelings deep down. Deep, deep down, away from my heart, down to my feet, so low, that I almost walked on them.
I took a deep breath, removed my hair elastic, so my dark brown hair feel down on my shoulders, like Kamilah had her hair.
Perfect.
