Eachtra

You Sleigh Me

 For a few moments, I'm lost in this glorious body-transcending kiss. I forget about my fear and my hatred of Christmas and this horrible Airbnb. Instead, I focus on Liam, the adorable Irish guy who sees something worthy in me. He is heat in a world of cold, light in a universe of dark.

I'm kissing Liam.

This is the only thought in my mind as he tangles his hand in my thick hair and pulls me into him.

I'm kissing Liam.

The building euphoria crashes when I repeat the phrase in my head. Oh no. What am I doing? Liam is just my super-hot partner in crime. I wanted to be his friend, and now I've become something more. Now the tentative balance between us is broken. Now I'm kissing the guy I've only known for a few days.

My hand is knotted in the neck of his t-shirt and I flatten it against his chest and push him away, breaking the gravity between us.

"No," I exclaim between frantic breaths.

I can't kiss Liam.

Sickening vulnerability washes over me. I'm supposed to protect myself and keep away anyone who can hurt me, yet here I am, kissing a boy who makes me believe in ridiculous ideas of fate and magic. This is too much, too fast. Overpowering anxiety falls over me and I need to be alone.

"Stop," I whisper.
Liam's pale eyes catch on mine, searching my face. "Keidy? What's wrong? I'm sorry, I thought--"

"Just stop," I repeat, licking my dry, swollen lips. I close my eyes to fight back the dizzying gray at the corners of my sight. "I...I can't do this."

I lunge to my feet on unsteady legs and stumble towards the bathroom. I need to be by myself. What have I done?

"Keidy, wait!" Liam exclaims. He reaches out to touch my arm but retracts his hand when I flinch away. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean..." He scratches his head, his ears tinged pink. "I thought you were attracted to me. I didn't mean to take any liberties."

My cheeks flame. Of course I'm attracted to him. He's adorable and kind and cares way too much about me for only knowing me for a few days. But that's the problem--we've only known each other for a few days. What happens when Liam realizes how dark and tortured my soul is? What happens when he realizes he's signed up for more than he wanted?

Perhaps he hasn't signed up for anything, I realize. Maybe he just wants to kiss the decently cute girl with whom he's stuck in this cabin. Maybe, despite all his kindness, this is just a hookup. Maybe he's just like every other college guy I've met.

This is what I get for letting down my walls.

I stumble towards the bathroom and slam the door shut behind me when I get inside. Then I sit on the toilet and cover my face as tears run down my cheeks. It's been over a year since anyone kissed me, and I can't remember the last time someone kissed me like that. Like I mattered. My hands shake over my damp face and I try to draw in deep breaths.

Wanted.

I haven't felt wanted in a long, long time. My parents never wanted me. My friends only put up with me. My highschool boyfriend used and discarded me. And Liam, Liam wanted me. But maybe he only wanted me because I'm the only one here, and I was the only girl left on campus. Maybe I seemed weak and vulnerable. What guy would kiss a girl he just met unless he was planning on sleeping with her and ditching her later?

I was totally wrong about Liam. If he seemed kind or caring, it was only because he wanted to take advantage of my weakness around the holidays. But that kiss--