Lessons Learned

Habit No. 5

Habit No. 5: Seek first to understand, then to be understood.

"You have two ears and one mouth... hel-lo!"

The Deepest Need. Habit number four teaches us to think of ways in which everyone can win. Habit five tells us how to help our peers win, and its easier than you might think. Listen. The deepest need of the human heart is to be understood, so nothing can make a relationship stronger than to sit down and actually listen to someone. Everyone doesn't want advice, judgement, or help. Some people just want to let it out to someone that'll hear them. But there is also a right and wrong way to listen.

The Wrong Way. Here are some ways to identify if you aren't the right kind of listener.

·Spacing out: while the other person is speaking, you're letting your mind wander.

·Pretend listening: you're not paying attention to what he/she is saying, but you say words like "mhm.." "right.." & "tru."

·Selective listening: you only really start listening when a part that interests you comes up, and you focus on that then change the subject.

·Word listening: when you're listening to their words, but don't notice the way they're being said or the body language that changes the true meaning behind them.

·Self-centered listening: listening to someone's story from your own point of view instead of stepping into their shoes by judging, advising or probing.

-judging: when instead of trying to understand their point, you're judging every word they're saying.

-advising: when you dive right into giving your opinion or help, without fully understanding first and letting the person feel open to your advice.

-probing: asking too many questions and making them feel uncomfortable with sharing because of your intrusive behavior.

The Right Way. Now here are the three things you need to do to genuinely listen.

·Listen with your eyes, heart, and ears: words aren't the only way people speak to you. Their tone of voice reflects what context their words are being used in, and their body language represents the way they're being affected.

·Stand in their shoes: know that everyone lives differently and is in a different situation. Try to understand theirs, and then look at their circumstances.

·Practice mirroring: instead of judging, advising, or probing, reflect back to them that you understand what they're saying to you. They'll see that you're legitimately listening and trying to get them.

Communication is Key. The second part of habit number five, "seek to be understood," teaches that after you've learned to legitimately listen to someone, speaking is equally as important. If only you know to listen, but not to speak, you will symbolize the Doormat or the Yes-Man. It is just as important that others can understand you, but to do that you have to open up to them. Unexpressed feelings will weigh you down inside and negate how you regularly feel. Have the courage to share. It'll be better for you, and others are delighted when they feel that they can be trusted with what you have to say. So say it.