Moments of Impact H.S. A.U.

23.

Despite having to work, and Harry's absence, the trip to L.A. had been one of the best in my life. Probably because for once I got to experience a whole new country with someone I love. That was also why Harry's words hurt much more than they should. I should have expected this. I should have seen it coming, yet nothing I had ever felt before hurt as much as the words leaving his mouth. If he had taken a bullet to my heart, I'm not sure I would have felt it, that's how much it hurt. Perhaps, I was lucky not to have experienced this sooner in my 24-year-old life. But I wasn't sure I'd ever want to love someone again if it meant that they could make me feel this bad, this worthless.

"Say something," he says. I can hear he is begging. I can hear it in the way the words break at the end. His voice is cracking, and I'm uncertain why he's so upset. This is supposed to be one of the best moments in his life. Yet, he does not seem thrilled, and the silence I'm giving him seems to be killing him.

"What do you want me to say, Harry? Congratulations?" I ask starring him in the eyes feeling the tears press on. I gulp hard shaking my head at him. "Congratulations," I say trying to sound cheerful, although I'm breaking on the inside, and for selfish reasons I don't feel happy for him.

"That wasn't what I meant," he says. "But I don't like you ignoring me," he confesses. His hands are tucked away in his pockets and he's staring at the floor looking like a child who's done something wrong.

"You want to know how I feel? Huh? You want to know how I feel?" I ask with a raised voice. "I feel disgusted. You are disgusting!" I exclaim taken us both aback with my choice of words. He looks at me as if I've just taken a bullet to his heart. But at least then he knows what it feels like to be stepped on and pushed underneath the rug like dirt. If only he knew exactly how I'm feeling right now. I am truth be told disgusted by his actions, especially considering we've just been on a trip together and the fact that he has expressed his love for me. If he really loved me so much we wouldn't be in this situation.

"Lee-"

"Don't fucking call me that!" I exclaim startling him once more. "You disgust me, Harry. I told you so many times that this was a bad idea. I told you this needed to end, but you - you wouldn't let me go. And now you do this! Do you even care about me at all."

"Of course I care! It's not like I planned any of this."

"Right. But I was just part of a game, and sadly I'm the one losing."

"It's not like there's any winners in this!" He cries.

"Isn't there?" I ask with raised eyebrows. Tears cascade down my cheeks. "So you just knock up a girl without even wanting a child with her?"

"You're making it sound like she's just a random girl."

"Right, my bad. Your fiancée! How could I've been so stupid as to make myself think I meant more to you than her? Oh that's right, because you told me I did, and you made me feel like she was nothing to you." My heart bangs against my ribcage while my body shakes. If I didn't know better I'd expect my heart to explode any second. I wasn't aware that someone could feel so many mixed emotions at once. I was furious, hurt, sad and still so desperately in love with him despite the fact that he had been sleeping with Kaia all this time while we were together. "The fact that she's your fiancée doesn't change anything, Harry. Because if you loved Kaia you wouldn't have cheated on her with me, and if you loved me you wouldn't sleep with her too."

"How naive are you? Do you really think I wouldn't sleep with her just because I was spending time with you?" He asks, and I feel my heart breaking even further. It feels like he has just punched me in the stomach once more and enjoyed himself while doing so. Has all this really just been a game to him? It sounds like he doesn't care at all. And I'd been naive enough to believe the pill was enough, because he had gone to the doctor to have himself checked for any STD's, how foolish I feel now knowing he's been sleeping with more than one person this entire time. I should really be more careful. "Sorry, that came out wrong," he apologises. But it's too late, I've already taken the punch, and there's no way he can take it back.