Moments of Impact H.S. A.U.

1.

I remembered it clearly like it was yesterday. How low it had made me feel and how I had just wanted it to be over with. But it happened to a ton of people didn't it? They didn't enjoy their first time and frankly neither had I. It wasn't only that he had been incredibly bad, although I had nothing to compare with, but the fact that he had left me out in the dust afterwards had left me completely heartbroken. Matt had been my first love, or so I thought, but I figured that there hadn't been a string of love tied up in our relationship, although I mistakenly thought so at the time. At least I could hope that that wasn't how love worked, but with nothing else to compare it to, I couldn't be sure.

Since I was a young teenager, I had pictured my first time as this magical event between two people in love. It was a moment where you finally gave yourself to the other person and showed them how much they meant to you. I had told Matt that I only wanted to sleep with him if he loved me, and he had used the three words to trick me into bed with him. Perhaps, I should have known better as we had only been together for three weeks at the time. I mean you couldn't fall in love that quickly could you? I guess I had been young and naive, but that didn't mean that I should feel embarrassed for believing that no person would be so cruel as to just spill those words as if they didn't mean anything. He had been gentle, I'd give him that. And he had gone incredibly slow as not to hurt me, but that didn't change the fact that he had come after less than a minute and had left me completely unsatisfied. Not that I expected to get an orgasm my first time, but I had hoped for- well something. Afterwards, he completely ignored me and went to sleep and I knew the two of us were over. If that was love, I would rather stay single.

Here I am six years later still single and alone with no romance in my life. I guess I have given up on love, which is also why I don't feel like going out anymore. It just leaves me tired with a massive headache and sadly the guys I meet only want me for one thing. My friends know this. They know that I tend to say no when they ask me to go out with them, yet they don't know why though. And I come up with one excuse after the other to avoid a night out. Now it's even gotten to the point where they barely ever ask me, and although I'd rather not go out and get hammered, it'd be nice to be asked. When they don't, it makes me think they don't care and that hurts especially when I look at their Instagram stories to keep track of their entire night. Social media should be damned. Did people feel as excluded before the smartphone era? Or the wifi era for that matter? The difference is that practically all my friends have boyfriends to go home to at the end of the night whereas I don't. I'm not jealous, but it would be nice to experience what they are experiencing. I guess at times, I do feel lonely although I'm not one to admit that to people.

I finish my breakfast. I had oats, again. People don't understand how I can eat oatmeal every morning. But somehow I never get tired of it. I just mix it up a little now and then changing some topping. But hey if you like something why would you change it? I guess that goes for my life too. I like being single, it's safe, and so I don't let myself out there afraid I might end up hurt. Besides, I don't want to spend a long time making protein pancakes, and I don't understand why these so-called super foods get this much attention. I don't want to eat chia porridge. Because let's face it chia can't guarantee that I live longer or that I'll get a slim body and they're tasteless really. I've even heard that if you don't eat them organic they are quite bad as they are contaminated with a lot of things. So hey, I'm sticking to my oats. I guess that means I'm sticking to being single too. It's just easier and doesn't require much work.

I take a sip of water and place my empty bowl in the dishwasher before putting on my Birkenstock to head out for my job interview, but before I leave the apartment I reconsider my outfit and put on a pair of stilettos instead. Why is it that stilettos are more presentable when Birkenstocks are so much more comfortable? I am not sure whether I actually want to be someone's secretary but making coffee all day surely aren't much fun either. Hopefully, if I get the job I will earn more money so that I can start living a little bit. I suppose it'll also look better on my resume than being a barista. I have an education as a photographer, but so far it hasn't gotten me far in life. I mostly take pictures at weddings and anniversaries in my spare time. The lack of money is probably another reason as to why I don't go out much, although I don't like admitting that to people. It doesn't seem to make much sense though as I have an apartment all to myself, but that is only because my parents helped me with it financially. There is no way I could have paid that myself, but that doesn't mean it comes with no expenses because it does.