Moments of Impact H.S. A.U.

24.

The sad thing is that when I finally got what I wanted it turned out it wasn't what I needed nor was it what I'd actually hoped for. Because I never wanted Harry to go, I just wanted him to want me as much as I wanted him, and I wanted him to cut all ties with Kaia even if that meant cutting all ties with his parents too. Am I selfish for thinking that? 

A month and a half has passed since I last saw Harry. He emailed me a recommendation letter a month ago. That was all he sent. He simply attached a Word-file in the email which contained a lof of nice words.

Nice.

I'm not sure why I even read it. Clearly, he wasn't going to apologise or tell me that he loved me or even that he missed me, yet part of me hoped everything that we had wasn't completely gone. I was wrong. He should have written: 'by the way she's a good bang too'. Then again I wouldn't know. As far as I know I haven't been anything special. When sleeping with two women at the same time, one is sure to be satisfied one way or the other. That doesn't mean he gets his fix every time though. Perhaps, it's all been fake on his part, I mean our relationship or whatever it was surely seems fake to me now. I'm pissed by his email. I'm not sure what he's trying to accomplish. I don't need his stupid recommendation letter. Perhaps, he wants to stay on my good side, but I'm furious with him for not even having the decency to address me personally, and I'm not sure he'll ever be on my good side again. I wanted to end it so many times, and he told me not to. He said he loved me, and then he tells me he knocked up someone else. I know he never promised me anything and I know he was with Kaia this entire time, I just didn't expect him to be sleeping with her. I feel like he has been cheating on me with her and not the other way around. It feels like I wasn't worth anything to him. Maybe I wasn't. God, why did I have to be so fucking naive to think I was actually enough for a man like Harry to want to break things off with his fiancée?

The continuous vibration of my phone puts me on edge. The word 'Mum' flashes on the screen. I need to pick up because I never dodge her calls, but I'm honestly in no mood to talk to her, and when she last called I managed getting out of the call quite quickly unable to talk to her. I was in too much of an emotional state at the time having just read Harry's stupid email. Why does she always have this bad timing?

"Hi mum," I say after letting my finger slide across the screen. I have to take a deep breath not to start crying. I don't want her to know what's going on, but somehow my mum always hold that power over me. I can be completely fine when talking to someone else sounding confident and not letting my emotions get the best of me, and then when I'm talking to her it's like I'm drowning trying desperately to breathe while my subconscious is screaming 'help me' and then I feel the tears press on. I don't know why that is. Perhaps because you spend so much of your life being dependent on her, and because throughout your childhood she's always there to mend the pieces. I want her to put on a plaster and tell me that everything will be okay, although I'm not naive enough any longer to think she'll actually be right. Obviously my dad was there in my childhood too, but somehow he doesn't hold the same power over me that she does. Her voice is an immediate trigger.

"Hey love, just calling to see how you're doing. It's been ages since we last talked," she says and I just want to scream; 'help me, mum. I'm drowning. I don't know what to do. Fix me.' She has done it hundred of times before, but I'm no longer a kid with a scraped knee, and she can't take away the psychical pain I'm feeling although I desperately wish she could.

"I'm fine," I say although the lump in my throat is making it harder to talk, and I'm on the verge of tears.

"How's work?"

I take a deep breath. "It wasn't working out," I say trying to keep the talking to a minimum. Why does she need to bring that up immediately? Why is it that she's always so concerned about my work.