Our Last Year

Entry 1

Wow, I fucked up. I don't think I regret anything more in my life than I do right now. Last night Ashley had her end of summer/start of school party I was the drunkest I had ever been in my entire life. I have no memories from 12:30 'till about 2:30. Unfortunately, I remember the worst of it.

I was having a conversation with one of my friends Eli. We were talking about who in the room we suspect is gay, a random conversation, I know, but we were so plastered it made sense. Danika, who was also extremely drunk told me that I should make out with him cause he is 'obviously' flirting with me. Because alcohol is liquid confidence I seriously considered it. Eli also seemed to hear what she said and as I would soon find out, he didn't think it was such a bad idea either. We sat on the couch and watched as all our closest friends dancing while Sweet Child O Mine plays. We were in Ashley's basement, probably one of the last basements in the entire city. Her dad was in a band so he had a whole sound system and rave lights set up. It was actually really cool. The weirdest thing was probably that her parents were home and knew that there would be alcohol at the party, but didn't care as long as no one threw up. Those are the kind of parents I want.

Anyways, Eli and I were just sitting there silently when all of the sudden, Eli grasped my face and leaned in to kiss me. His lips were so soft and almost pure. I had only kissed one other person before, but it was a stage kiss so I didn't even count that. Everything seemed to fade away. He put his hand behind my ears. I started to straddle him as we continued to kiss. At that moment, his hands moved from behind my ears to my ass. Within a few seconds, I can see flashes of light from phone cameras. I knew what was going on, but I didn't care. It started to make me laugh a bit, especially when I heard one of my friends Sam start screaming in disbelief.

Up until that point, I had a squeaky clean reputation within my friends and family. I wouldn't get invited to events because my friends thought I would snitch on them. Which is weird because it is very out of my character to snitch on people. Yes, I didn't get as drunk as I did last night, but they didn't see that as anything important.

I also tried Juul for the first time. It wasn't as bad as I thought. Almost everyone had one, so me being the poor person I am, used everyone else's. Majority of them had gummy bear flavoring, and it was okay but not great. Unfortunately, Brenden did not tell me his had weed in it. I should have realized something was off when he said: "If you ever want some just get it out of my pocket I don't really give a fuck." I took to many hits of that. Like way too many. I was high and drunk. Not a good combo for someone who has never gotten high before.

Well, it did not cross my mind that maybe kissing Eli was a bad idea, even worse, he is a sophomore!!!!!!!!! IM A FUCKING SENIOR!

That morning when I woke up to Eli spooning me I realized the mistake I had made and left really early, Like I'm talking hungover af and driving home at 7:30, when I had fallen asleep at 5:30. And tonight I have to see them all again because our musical theater teacher thought it would be cute to go see a show tonight. Anyways I feel like there is a ton of bricks in my stomach. I keep thinking about the kiss and the haze of time I don't remember. Life is tough but maybe senior year will be my year.