fallen dynasties ➶ bts.

four.

THREE YEARS AGO
HANNAM-DONG, YONGSAN-GU, SEOUL

               VEHICLES HONKING, tires screeching, people screaming. All of it either directed at him or caused by him. He wanted to take a bow, to apologize for pissing their asses off. But he couldn't. All he wanted to do was to walk away from the apartment as far as possible, and keep everything within. He swore in his entire life that he'd never pain them, and he'll try his best not to.

               Was it worth it? Keeping it all inside in exchange of their smiles? Yes, it was. He thought, chuckling at himself. Seokjin would scold him so bad for hiding it, but the burden was worth. He had the six of them smiling. If they knew what had happened, they'd pity him. They'd suffer with him. That's not what he wants.

               Besides, it's already too late. He had hurt them worse than he should have if he ever told them. Now, everyone either pities him or is infuriated with him. He knew he had to walk away. He's the fuel who drove up the fire. The longer he stays, the more it would all ignite. It burnt their bond, turning it into ashes. He closed his eyes as he leaned his figure against the alley wall, wishing time could mend what broke all by itself. He badly wanted to fix what he had started, yet he does not know where to start.

               This is all his fault.

               Words of the same was the only thing he had in mind. The voices inside him chanted it, pinning his blame on him. He could not even try to do so, to blame him even though it was indeed his fault. But seeing how his bullshit started ruining the bond Jeongguk had made with his best friends, his palms curled into fists. 

               I'm next in line. He'll kill me. He did it with them, he'll do it to me, too.

               I'm next in line. He'll kill me. He did it with them, he'll do it to me, too.

               I'm next in line. He'll kill me. He did it with them, he'll do it to me, too.

               A tear of scream escaped his lips, fists pulling his hair as voices filled his head. His worries all piled up, all of them shifting into voices telling him to let go. To let it all out, to run from it. A flash of the guitar and piano pieces appeared from the dark, and all of a sudden the voices pinned the blame on Jeongguk. How his hand gripping the guitar swung towards the piano, how tilted melodies waved through the air as it crumbled into bits.

               It's all still your fault.

               The edges of his eyes blurred at the realization. It was still all his fault. He should not have given in. He should've done better. Done better. Should have done better. Better.

               A dark, hooded figure then walked in by the same alley, walking towards his direction. Voices inside started to panic, screaming for him to run. His mind chanted the words, he'll kill me.

               Without any second thoughts, he ran. Ran and ran as fast as he could. Away from that alley, away from that stranger. Away from him.

               His feet led him through streets, he turned to corners, until he saw the edge of Hannam Bridge. Voices, once again, rang inside of him and told him to run across the bridge. Far from Hannam, hide in Gangnam. Far from Hannam, hide in Gangnam. Far from Hannam, hide in Gangnam. Far from Hannam, hide in Gangnam.

               Jeongguk slowed his pace, the sight of the bridge relaxing him. Crossing the bridge wouls save him—stop him—from the pain he'd cause. He wants them happy, strong. And leaving will make that happen. The voices said in unison, and he nodded. It is for the best—

               His thoughts were cut as his phone from his pocket notified a message. His hands hesitated; the voices said no; but something in him fished out the cell and checked the message.

               Come home, now. I cooked you food. We won't eat without you :)

               The voices died down as soon as his eyes read the message. Eyes still on his phone, Jeongguk decided to cross the pedestrian, now eager to go back to the apartment. Something inside him shifted, something inside him suddenly wanted to go home and never leave. The voices may have started to comeback, panicking with his decision of denying their requests—demands.

               Yet, as if time stopped, Jeongguk halted at the middle of the lane, looking at the highway by his side. A car speeding across the bridge caught his eye as it felt like the car was an arrow, aiming him as the bullseye. The voices overlapped with each other; lights started to blur. 

               And even before Jeongguk could run away from the car's aim, a weight smashed right against his lower body, pain as if electric bolt currents frizzing his body. He tried opening his mouth to scream for help, but the car that had hit him dashed away, and trying to talk seemingly worsened the crashing waves of torment. His attempts of screaming slowly sank into whispers.

               "Hyung, help."

               He saw how various pairs of feet started running towards his direction until everything died black.