A Walk in the Woods

Chapter One

"So, why don't we start out with the basics, Iris?" My therapist suggests to me casually. "The basics?" I inquire quietly. I honestly do not know what she is expecting to hear from me. I have never been good at telling people what they want to hear like Vivian is. She is always there telling me what I should do, but for some reason she isn't here today.

"Yes, why do you think you are here today?" She asks me as she places a small tape recorder on the table between us and presses a button. Now, I have to be careful of what I say because it is all on tape. Vivian would be out of her mind knowing that someone is quizzing me about how stable I am mentally. She says I am just fine and there is not a damn thing wrong with me. So why am I here? "Honestly, I do not know why I am here Mrs. ...Uh..." I pause, I have never been good with names. All I have ever known was to forget them quickly so that I am kept safe. Vivian taught me that trick. I only go by numbers.

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"You must always refer to your jobs as numbers and not names, Iris." Vivian said to me sternly. I had messed up one of my jobs by revealing the name of the person Vivian had killed. "I'm sorry Viv, I forgot." I replied, saddened that I had failed again to meet her standards. "You cannot forget these things, Iris! These are important rules that you must always live by, you cannot mess it up. If you mess it up again we could get caught. If we get caught you won't hear from me anymore. Is that what you want?" Vivian always told me that if we were to get caught doing these things then they would come after me, because I was the one doing the job. Since no one had ever seen Vivian or heard of her, she could not be linked to the things we had done, therefore, I would be taken away and they would put me on the medicine again. Vivian did not like the medicine, so she would never come around. She said it made me a different me. She told me I was never in control of myself when I was taking the pills and that I had to stop. So, I did.

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"Iris? Iris are you still with us?" the woman sitting across from me interrupted my thought. "Iris, my name is Dr. Abbott." I shake my head of the flashback I was having. "Oh, yeah. I'm sorry, I'm just not so good with names. Vi-" I cut myself short, remembering Vivian's instructions to keep her name out of the sessions I have with Dr. Abbott. "I don't know why I am here really. My aunt says I need to be here because I am acting out. But really, I am not. I go to class, I come home and make dinner for Lucy and make sure she gets her schoolwork done and then I go to bed." I lie. It has become a second nature to me to lie about anything. I have learned so much from Vivian.

"Your aunt tells me a different story, Iris." I look at her with a frown. My aunt told you a different story, I am sure of it. But why can you not just accept my story. It would be a lot easier this way. "What did she tell you?" I ask, uncomfortably shifting in my seat. My mind going crazy with the line she fed them this time.

"She tells me that you have been irritable lately, tired constantly, usually making it a fight for her to wake you in the morning because you stay out late. She also informs me that she hears you muttering things under your breath occasionally and that sometimes she feels as though she is talking to a different person.
She feels like you are not really there with her even if you are sitting right in front of her, as if you are on a totally different planet. Does that sound familiar to you?" She looks back up at me from the file she is holding that has my name on it written in large print with black sharpie across the top in bold, "Vivian Iris Lancaster". I do not go by Vivian, that is not my name. When I met Vivian, she didn't like that we had the same name and made me go by my middle name. So, I prefer to go by Iris. In all retrospect, I see how this must look to you. I am not being abused by Vivian and she isn't controlling me. I control what I do and what I choose to do. I just choose to listen to what she tells me to do and what choices I should make. I am happy with how this happens. I never have to worry anymore if I am doing the wrong things. Vivian is the love of my life, I could never be upset with her and the only reason she gets upset with me is because I always do something wrong and I don't always listen well.

"I like to go on walks to the woods and back. The woods are a place where I can de-stress and relax. Sometimes I lose track of time and I get home late or early in the morning. I also have a hard time paying attention. I zone out quite often and that is why my aunt feels like I am not there. I mutter to myself sometimes, yeah, but that doesn't mean anything. Do you know that talking to ones self is a sign of a genius?" I spit out the same line I have been feeding to every therapist I talk to.

When my session is over, I quickly walk to the nearest exit out of the office and rip up the prescription paper Dr. Abbott handed me and begin my walk through the park and to the woods behind my house where I will meet Vivian as we planned.