My Crazy Book of Randomness

Happy New Year (Update)

Late as usual my dudes. How's it going?

It's 2019 now, good lord.

Usually for New Years, people say new year new me right?

I want to say I want to do the same, but I don't really know how.

This is going to be a bit of an update on why I haven't really updated in so long, so here goes.

Why have I seemed to stop writing except for this book? (If this book even counts idk)
In all honesty, I lost a lot of confidence and motivation to write while transitioning through high school and into college. I want to enjoy it again, but I'm so scared of people judging me for it. (Which is kind of dumb now that I think about it.) I'm a very a anxious person, so I overthink what people are going to say or do a lot.
Another reason is, I'm not sure how I feel about writing fan fiction anymore. At least not as much of it. There's a few projects that I really liked like Lockdown that I might take down, change and put back up because I like the ideas I had for it, but I just don't want all the characters to be youtubers that aren't really even youtubers anymore. I have original characters I could use instead. (No idea if anyone would be interested in reading that though.)
I also have some original stories planned that I think would be fun, if I ever gain the courage to write them. I also might write a few Pokémon stories as my friends and I enjoy Pokémon a lot and it's something new for me to write. (Pixelmutants doesn't count in my eyes, it's so old and I've improved I promise.)

Will I ever finish my old books?
I don't know. I'm sorry. As I look back on some of them I wonder "where the hell was I going with this?"
The only one I could maybe finish is Ssundee in Slender 2, but the problem is I know how I want to end it and I'm trying to get to that point at a decent pace. Writing is hard.
Pain That Shows I probably won't finish, I can't remember where I was going with it... sorry about that.
Lockdown I said earlier I might take down and make it more original (granted lockdown is already a series made by a writer from to UK, but I would love to try and add my own creative twist on an American version of the story.)
Pixelmutant series- I wrote that a long time ago. I'll probably try and write better actual Pokémon content that's actually good. My sister might help me. God bless her.

Will I upload original content starting this year?
Maybe? I would like too. But writing requires time (which to be fair I have) but I get distracted with games, friends and other things (anxiety, Whew).
This questions gonna stay up in the air.

Possible other writing sites to find me on?
My sisters been telling me I should get an Archive of Our Own. That is has better content, but I think that's a weird process to sign up and stuff. So I might do it just for the sake of I'm getting older and more mature and people there could give me more feedback, but I'm not sure yet. I'll keep y'all posted if I do or not.

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While the last segments were kind of questions about my specifics for writing, this next stuff is going to be a tad more personal I guess?

Recently life has been a bit of a struggle.
Struggling with some mental health stuff, I got Jaw surgery, transitioning to college, worrying about friends, doubting myself in sexuality and relationship ways. It kinda sucks. I'm not here for a pity party, but this is just stuff that's been on my mind and probably why I haven't written anything in so long.

I'm probably going to get comments like "talk to your parents and maybe talk to a therapist." (I'm told this a lot).

And it's not that I can't, exactly. It's scary. My dad doesn't really believe that my mental health isn't healthy, and thinks I'm a bit messed up for not having a sexual drive. (I'm debating if I'm asexual or not, it's complicated and I don't like putting labels on it, but for context sake.)

I also can't exactly talk to my mom because she's dealing with her own mental health and is living with my grand parents for now. (I'm glad she's getting help, but I don't wanna bother her).

I could also get help on my own, but I'm only 19. I don't know how to do that, and I couldn't afford it anyway being in college. So for now I have some friends that help me as best as they can. (God bless you guys).

I think that's another thing. I don't like dealing with my own problems, so I ignore them and try to help other people with their problems, because making people happy makes me happy. Idk if that makes sense to anyone but me. So that's what I've been trying to do lately. It's been okay, but there's been a lot of days where I go home and then I'm just sad or extremely drained for awhile.

I've also been internally struggling with feelings and relationships. It's a bit too complicated to all put here, but to be simple I don't know if I should be in relationships because I'm really only in them for snuggles and maybe a kiss here or there. I don't wanna go any farther. And I don't know how to talk about that kinda stuff with my current partner so I'm just kinda struggling with it alone.

In conclusion, I kinda need to get my shit together but I don't know how.

Maybe one day I'll get more deep here (maybe I'll make a separate book for that or something. Idk.)

But these are a lot of the reasons I have been inactive, and stuff like that. Hopefully that didn't bore you guys too much.

Have a lovely rest of your day y'all.

~Mo 💜