The Story of Us-(Sweeran)

32: Before Him

This chapter and the next chapter will be mostly written in the style of a jounel entry because why not? Trying new things and I thing this chapter will go well so um I'm just gonne go ahead and pull this stuff out of my butt now because having a plan is for planners which I'm not because i have a week to pre write a lot because school is starting so ya.

Dear diary,

It's Taylor. It's been a while since I've written here. I usually only come here when I'm hurting and it's one of those times again. Ed told me that he cheated on me. I don't know how to feel right now. Yes I do. Crushed. I thought I finally found forever. I thought I found total happiness, heaven on earth. All of those things that mean bliss. I miss him that sweet smile and tattooed arms. I miss his words. Everyhthing is on loop in my head. I wanna wake up like this was all a dream but its a cold hard reality. Ed was my light and now it's back to darkness. Before him I looked at life as just this dark tunnel where you find a tourch and you try to stay in that light but someone pushes you out to make room for themselves. With him I felt like life was a puddle of sunshine with a few dark corners. Before him I thought happiness was just a filter to keep you alive long enough to reproduce and contribute to the world. Before him I was a negative person on most subject matter. I had postive moments, but I also knew that the odds of something really trully amazing happening were fewer than a big mess coming along. This is mostly a big ramble, but it seems I ramble when i try to get things out. I just need to get everthing out untill my fingers cant grip this pen anymore. I don't wanna go back to cutting or starving because Ed wouldn't want that. He'd want me to keep positive and treat it like any other breakup. Sad for a few weeks then right back to normal, but this isnt any other breakup. He's my fiance. My life saver. My everything and he's not here with me. I can't just cave and forgive him because I can never look at him the same. In this past two years we went through so much I just never saw it coming. I wanna just remeber the good times, but those all seem to be clouded by this. I don't know what to do and my hand is starting to hurt so I'm gonna go die inside who knows if I'll ever write here again. Who knows if I'll even survive this. After all Ed was my life line.