Tara was asleep on me sleeping first for the first time in a while, I was playing call of duty and drinking and I kept thinking and those thoughts became worse and worse and more and more insecure until I had to go downstairs because I was shaking lightheaded and vomity, I feel like I'm not good enough for her I don't know why because she tells me I'm more than enough every day but a part of me deep down believes this is too good to be true, do I deserve this? To acctually be happy ? Or is this just another cruel trick the universe is playing against me?
Tonight was great it really was after a shit of just feeling like shit Tara managed to make it better.. I just we went down to the shop so I could get baccy and we didn't and I called Ben to go back.. I couldn't get any and she said there was no point in coming with me and that shed go wait at the bus stop and I said "oh ok then I see" and the look in her eye.. she seemed so upset and the worst part was it was because of me, she's my lil sensitive baby n I'm trying to protect her from the world uno? She dosent deserve the shit that happens and seeing her cry breaks me every time I hate it just her being sad all I want to do is take that pain that sadness away from her but tonight seeing her cry because of me? Even if it was a minor thing it made me feel like shit It made me feel so low n i hate it I really do damn I feel so shit
People say they're depressed and shit all the time but are they really? Do they have to battle the urge to get out of bed every day? Do they have to fight the urge to not eat and not sleep? Do they constantly feel like shit? Do they? Do they have a constant battle with their mind? Because I do.. there's more too it than that more than I can put in words but the best part is there's one person who makes it go away one person who makes it better and that persons tara
So today I got fully fucked like the highest I've been in a while and I got my vape taxed :) and I went back to my girlfriends and fell asleep in the same bed with her for like 6 hours before her mum proceeded to wake us up at 2am to send my downstairs like does she not like realise we sleep together when we're at nine it that we fuck? Damn I need a fag but I can't have one because all my stuffs upstairs with Tara n she can't bring it down yay
Damn I love that girl but I feel so bad because she told me that earlier I was ignoring her and she felt like it was because Friday n Saturday we couldn't/ didn't fuck and I said it's not but she feels like it and I just feel like shit she's super extra sweet n she understands that I push everyone away when I'm going through situations n I need to remember that she genuinely cares n she genuinely wants to be there unlike everyone else who just wanted something to talk about and it's honestly amazing to think about it's mad really I have someone who cares about me, is all about me, makes sure I'm ok, does sweet things for me, is fucking gorgeous, has an amazing personality, an amazing smile, laugh, voice, just all of it damn I could go on for hours about it all she has been there for me since the day I met her
Damn I f u c k i n g love you your honestly the best thing that's ever happened to me your so sweet n funny n cute n I love the sound of your voice your so fucking hot as well, I love I do stuff to you just the sound of you screaming the way you dig your nails into my back and bite my neck to stop yourself from screaming when anyone else is around, the way you trail your fingers up and down my chest and the way you lean in afterwards a hot sweaty mess just saying " I love you" damn those three words "I love you" they mean the world to me
As much as we squabble like little children I love you sososoosso much and you mean the world to me, you are my world as cringey as it is my world, stars, sun, moon all of it n I'd never change any of it I'd never change yoy or how you are because in my eyes your perfect but at the same time so far from it and I just love that about you how your not afraid to be you, how strong and stubborn you are with what you say and your opinions but yet they're always right I may not accept it but they are, I don't like admitting I'm wrong but you always have a valid point, god I love everything about you, I learn to love you In a new way and a little more every day, I say it allot but I love your smile n your silly laugh n how goofy you are how you make me smile n the names you call me ((not smelly tho that's you >:) (good smelly tho))) the way you cuddle me in the night time n your constantly checking up on me making sure I'm ok and I'm happy and that I'm eating and drinking and sleeping I just I love you you get worried about it at times I don't get why because your so smart yet so stupid because you don't see how in love with you I am, how I'd give anything to be with you and stay with you. How I never want this to end, I don't care about the sex, don't get me wrong it's fucking amazing and I love every second of it but It's not why I want to be with you, I could list every reason why and it still wouldn't explain it all.. your my little princess. N I love it, I finally have someone in my life who makes me think more positively who can change my mood so quickly from bad too good, who all I think about and want to talk about is them who I want to tell everything about my day and so much more who I just love seeing and spending time with and would happily spend all my time with and never get bored of, that's you kitten, you don't get it, I will never get bored of you, I can't it's like me getting bored of games or drumming or music.. it's impossible, my passion for you is stronger than any passion ever has and all I want to do is kiss your pretty face and hold you and make your problems go away and just run my fingers up and down your back, you need to remember I love you and for the first time it is love, I've never felt this way, never wanted to spend all my time with someone so badly and miss every second I'm not there.. and for the first time all of these words I'm saying, the way I feel about you.. they're all true but I feel god I know it's not enough to even say let alone comprehend how I feel about you, you make me so happy and so smiley and you make me laugh so much yet at the same time I just want to cry because of how lucky you make me feel how I never want to loose you and how I just want you in my arms 24/7 I know this is going to last a very long time, us? That's all I want me and you no one else, just me and you, no one else matters I wouldn't even blink twice at anyone else your the only one I want, I don't see anyone else as attractive or even think about anyone else, your the only thing on my mind all the time.. the only thing I want, I crave, I miss damn I love you it's all I want to say, it means so much but yet not enough.. I love you I hope you slept well and I hope you have an amazing day you beautiful little princess don't let anyone bring you down ever, remember they're not worth it! And they're all jealous, you have an amazing boyfriend who's attractive, treats you well, dosent fuck you about, dicks you down on the daily, marks you up properly ;) and has a big dick, Just remember that
Today was shit.. we had our first fight.. I made you feel like shit I hate myself for it god I adore you but I hate myself I hurt you because I'm me I'm like a void of emptiness I just if anyone goes near me they get hurt I the rumour i will hurt whoever started it I wanted to die earlier I felt so shit for everything for what I did to you how I made you feel I'm so sorry.. I love you so much and I don't want to ever loose or leave you, you said if things end it's on my terms? Well it'll be never because those three words are going to my grave I'm going to bury them and they will never surface because I don't Want to leave you
God your the best thing to ever happen to me I never want to fight again I hate it I hate it I hate it and I don't want to loose you over it I never want to fight again and I never want to be the reason why you ball your eyes out and break down oh god I feel so shit I wanted to die earlier knowing I made you feel that way all I thought was "what if I grab that blade" I wanted to harm myself I wanted to cut and burn myself the only thing stopping me was sleep I thought you were going to leave me, I couldn't of known my phone was off.. please never leave I love you smelly
