I need a safe place that I can keep track of everything which has happened.. how I feel, what's happened why I feel the way I do I'm not sure how to phrase this but no ones gonna read it so why he fuck does it matter... not much matters anymore.. damn My entire life starting from young I've been bullied, my dad a heroine addict walked out my life when I was 2 he didn't even do that he jumped over the back of a fence after being kicked out.. I've only heard a few things of what he did but.. he tried to drown me at the age of 1, he raped a 16 year old and was seen leaving hers with blood stained pants.. damn I used to look so highly of the man I used to wish I could meet him ask him why he left and then I found out about him, how he started off smoking the odd spliff then he slowly but gradually went onto other substances taking heroine taking meth coke you name it he did it he abused my mum he hurt me he left me for my entire life with no father figure atleast that's how it feels.. I've had other people but they're not my dad. Not the man who created me and as much as I love him I hate him so much, I'm scared I'm going to become him and that's not even the worst part no this is the start the start of a story a long long story so sit down and get ready because here we go. At the age of 7 my best friend was nearly killed in front of my eyes I was raised by a single mum of benefits, I was an angry kid I hated everyone and everything I'm not sure why maybe it was because I was bullied so badly? Maybe because I had no dad? Maybe because I felt like I had no one to talk too? I have no clue, at the age of 8 I moved to a school called alvechurch where I met the best person I think I have ever spoken too, I was an outcast to everyone but this one lad, Finlay church he was there for me day in day out made sure I was ok he was a real friend a true friend, we were so close the only friend I actually had, At the age of 9-10 he got sick.. he started off vomiting every day I'd go round every day to see if he was ok if he was coming in you name it, I was kept in the dark but everyone knew.. I eventually found out he had been diagnosed with a rare form of a brain tumour, they tried their hardest to remove it but at the age of 11 only in year 6 he sadly passed. My best friend my only friend.. died on the 25th of November 2015.. earlier in the year I'd found out my dad had died.. after that I was lost I was angrier and more depressed than I'd ever been why would A "god" if there was one take someone so innocent? So sweet? Loving and accepting? It's bullshit. It only got worse from there though. Damn after that it was shit I never went out never did anything I completely shut off from everyone I was the lowest I'd ever been atleast I thought I was, 2016 I was bullied and pushed into a road at one point and nearly hit by a car looking back on it I wish I hadn't moved, damn I'd be dead done finished, 2017 was no better, my grandad had suffered with dementia and blood cancer for a long long time, he went into hospital in February in 2017 and a week later died on the 28th of February 2017 that was another low point, the last death but not yet my lowest, I was so depressed all I wanted to do was die I'd lost the 2 people I was closest too and my father the only people I could talk to in confidence the only people that accepted me for who I was, watching my grandad and fin suffer was horrible, my grandad died of sepsis I was meant to see him the day before but he was too "rough" and I was so angry I couldn't see him to tell him how much I loved him and how much he meant and I regret not forcing my way in to that hospital. Exactly a year later my Nan fell ill and was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer, she had chemo for a long time, oh did I leave out the part where my mum got with a man who abused her and drugged her? She was never home I had to look after myself and watch my mum fall apart after my grandad died, for months and months I watched her become an alcoholic, heavy drinking always out never home, I hated life so badly at this point but of course it only got worse, in the summer of 2018 I tried to take my life, admittedly the wrong way because it didn't work, I drunk and drunk and drunk and drunk until I had alcohol poisoning, I passed out and threw up everywhere at a bus stop somewhere, I had a good group of friends which eventually walked out on me because I was too much to handle, I was constantly breaking down crying and no one could deal with it, the year got worse as it went on, I started with drugs like my dad only a spliff here and there this is when I became friends with a lad called josh osbourne, I started off with the light things just bud but soon moved to lsd, ecstacy and at one point meth.. I took a pinger for my first time on a Tuesday of October 2018, josh constantly made me feel like shit and he always made me buy the drugs and he said something on social media about a lad who died and I stupidly backed him up and I got so much hate I got death threats constantly even weeks after but the next morning I woke up to these threats, Wednesday, I attempted to take my own life, I took 5 pingers and some other substances, I went into school it was meant to kick in before but it kicked in during English, I waited in the deputy heads office whilst they called my parents and waited 2 hours lay in agonising pain before they decided to call an ambulance gurning, my eyes pinging, I had a fever of 102 and my heart was beating so quickly, I blame him for this but at the same time I can only blame my self my stupid self, an ambulance was eventually called and I was rushed into hospital I could've died that day and nearly did, people were worried and I don't even know why I don't know why anyone cared, my mum couldn't explain how she felt and she was scared and upset and I feel like she hated me deep down for it, I was "selfish" for it "pathetic" and so much more, I went back into school a while after and all I got was hate I'm now labelled as the druggie because I tried to take my own life but no one knows that because the school act like it never happened and to this day I'm still affected by it nearly 4 months on I get these episodes where I have flashbacks I get hot and shaky and my eyes ping everywhere, man this doesn't sound like much but oh well, there's bits I've left out because there irrelevant but fuck it right? I hated myself and self harmed so much I smoked and self harmed I put fags out on myself I cut myself I burned myself all over I'd never hated myself more, I was so low at this point I still am, my mental health was and is gone, fucked, destroyed you name it, I was so low I never wanted to leave my bed all I thought about was dying and I was constantly breaking down and smoking yet I forced myself to go out I told myself to man up that I'm a pussy and this is all nothin and I've done it my whole life, I have so much others don't and my life isn't as bad as allot of peoples, my issues have no meaning, I have no meaning or relevance in this world so why be here? I continued to smoke weed to numb the pain and to numb my mind because that was the only time I could relax to be happy but my parents couldn't and can't see it I can be fine one min and the next so low I don't want to move all I want to do is sit and cry yet I can't because if I do it's considered weak so I just bottle up my emotions I'd lost so much at this point and didn't know why life was worth living, in December I met someone who I've not been with long but ohmygod she is the best thing that has ever happened to me, Tara wall the absolute goddess she is she impacts my life in such a positive way she makes me feel something no one else ever could she makes me happy she makes me feel like it's all worth it, all of its amazing, the long nights the time we spend together the affection the love the attention the sex all of it I love all of her yet she can't see it.. she can't see why I do and why she means the world to me and it annoys me at times because she dosent see how amazing and beautiful she is and so much more.. that's how me and josh finally fell out because I got with and had sex with Tara because he dated her at one point ages ago but he never deserved her all he did was hurt her, how could you hurt someone that all they did was be there for you? Make sure you were ok n sm more? How? He was jealous he is because I'm with her because I make her happy and treat her better than he ever could both emotionally and sexually, he was vile to me he said shit constantly and because of him I lost everyone else I didn't know who I had anymore but the true ones stayed they always do, and for that I love them, I love tara I thought 2019 was going to be different uno? Starting the new year off with someone you love someone who makes you feel amazing and better than anyone else ever could, but a couple days ago, my best friend my only other best friend got diagnosed with lukemia, she's not been given long and I don't know what to do I'm loosing it, I don't want to tell tara I'm loosing it and that I want to die because I don't want to hurt her or be a burden to her I don't want to bring her down with me or make her feel shit with my mood you know? I feel like I'm going to become too much and I don't know what to do I just I'm lost.. I'm loosing my will to live.. Tara wall is the only thing keeping me going..if you ever see this I love you..
So this is an update, my nans super ill and yeah not doing too good, when Tara's not around I have this overall numb feeling like there's something missing but I don't know, when she's here ohmygod I'm so happy it feels my heart with joy and I hate when she leaves, people keep bringing up stuff about the OD incident yes I get it I'm pathetic and selfish and a crackhead and a druggie and a loner and no one likes me or respects me but I don't care I really don't I gave up caring when it happened and haven't cared Since I have tara Rhys and Mia that's all I need everyone else can go fuck themselves I simply don't care damn my problems with food have become even worse, today I threw up after eating and I can't seem to handle it very well, I end up vomiting or with an upset stomach and I hate it, why can't my genetics be "normal " whatever that is I'm fine with bad sight and eczema and adhd and aspergers and whatever but this problem with my stomach.. why this?! I know I'm a shit person but really? Why?! I hate it I really do
