Last words.

Last Words (4)

You could break my heard, soul, and body into one million tiny little fucking pieces, and I'd still pick them up and put them back into your hands.

And I'd stand there, and watch you do it again. And again. And again. All because of what you mean to me.

The person I'm talking about doesn't exist any more. She's gone. She died a long time ago. I lost her at such a young age. I was only 5 when I lost her. I lost her to a dark, evil, morbid creature that hides in the shadows and swiped at what you truly love.

I lost my mother.

She's still alive. By that I mean she's still here, and she's still working. But her entire life was changed when she met my stepdad.

So was mine.

I could look my mother in the eye, give her my heart, and watch her break it over and over again. I could watch her stamp it into the ground, or set it on fire, or even destroy it. But every time she did, I'd put it directly back into her fucking hands.

I hate myself for it. Heck, I hate myself anyway. I hate myself so much that I destroy my body with drink almost every night. It's fantastic in the moment: it is truly turning your body off from the outside world. It's truly an escape: and escape from the stress of life and the worries of myself and others. It's just waking up that hurts. Waking up and realising that all I've done is dig a deeper hole. All I've done is hurt myself more and more until I scream bloody murder.

It's a cycle that you cannot escape.
It's a cycle that no one can change.

I'm practically dead anyway. I'm sure some disease is currently clawing it's way through my body. I hope it is. I hope I leave peacefully and everyone moves on with life.

I won't take my life, but if I have the option, and God decides that I can leave, I'll take it. So many people rely o me, but I can't. I can't help everyone. I can't even get myself out of the mess I leave behind.

I'm clinging on to the hope that someone special will appear soon. Heck, maybe I already know the person.

I can tell that I'm losing my mind. As I'm writing this, I can feel the void in chest spreading. There isn't much of me left.

If I die, in some freak accident, or some kidnapping, or any sort of thing as such, then I just wanna say that the life I've lived has been the best I could've wished for. A brother and sister I love, a mother I knew and understood well, as she did with me, and a father that I could look up to and pray to every night I got the chance to. I got a stepfather that taught me that not everyone can be a great dad, but damn I'm gonna try and be. I have a nanny and grandad who took me in when I was at my lowest point, close to the verge of mental death, and nurtured me back to health.

But mostly, I have you.
Yep, you know it's you.
No one else reads this apart from you two.

Thank you both. Thank you so much for everything you do. I never show any appreciation and I push you both away often, but truly, I'm thankful for everything you both do to me, and I'm unbelievably grateful that I met you both.

That special someone is going to get everything I have. What's yours is mine. What I have is what you have. Take my heart. Please. Keep it.

It's partly why I can't wait for Prom. Prom is going to change me as a person. It's either going to end well, with me getting a newfound look on my relationship side, or even a girl, or it's going to end with me crumbling at the foundations and destroying everything the place stands for.

My mental state is F U C K E D

I can't wait for love.
I just don't think I know what it is.
You'll both be the first people I tell, you know that. I trust you both.

Don't destroy that trust. If you destroy that trust, then they'll never find you. You won't be dead, but you'll wish you were.

FUCK!
What am I doing?
I couldn't hurt either of you, and you know that. I'm so afraid. I'm so lost. I don't even know what I'm afraid of.

Yes I do.
I'm afraid of opening up.
And you all know I could never do that.

Time to turn off the emotions again.

:)