The Heartbreak

Chapter 7

I wanted her to hate me. Yes. I wanted Jo to hit me or slap me, so she could feel better after I hurt her. She would never understand it, but it wasn’t necessary. All she had to do was forget me and move on.

During those days I was waiting for Jack to jump on me and beat me to a bloody pulp, because I sure deserved it and it was what brothers did. I knew I would do it if something like this happened to Delia. I actually hoped for that day never to come, but unfortunately she would grow up.

After picking up my sister from one of her friend’s house, we walked home talking about her day and all the things she had to do. She only looked at my face for a while but did not make questions. It was not the first time I got injured at school, but it was not bad enough so she could get used to see me like this.

“Was it Jack?” she said as she worked on her math homework.

I looked at her.

“Joey would never hit anyone, so it has to be Jack.”

I sighed.

“It was Reina.”

“Oh.” She returned to her homework as absentmindedly said, “I like Reina.”

I couldn’t help it, so I chuckled. It wasn’t surprising my sister was on Jo’s side because she loved her. She saw her as the best thing that had ever happened to us. It wasn’t their fault they got along so well. It was all mine.

“I mean, not because she hit you.” Her eyes widened nervously as she struggled to find the right words for whatever she was really trying to say. “Reina is funny. And tough.”

Reina was also a bit of a party girl and wild, not fond of rules and with the mouth of a sailor. I wasn’t much better which was why we often clashed. Now I was happy that Jo had someone like Rei in her corner.

I only nodded. I was in no mood to say much really.

The expression on Jo’s face and her words had left a bitter taste in my mouth. I knew I would hurt her when I cheated on her. I knew Tommy Hales was recording the party with his new camera and that sophomore girl had been all over me the entire night. I knew everything. And I did it anyway, just like I planned.

I would be lying if I said it was a difficult plan to execute because the resources were always there. A girl with a broken heart or feeling lonely in a party where there would be alcohol was of common occurrence. In this time an age everyone had a camera at hand so… it was easy to create proves of my mistake.

I guess breaking hearts now that there are so many weapons within reach is easy. Secrets are more and more difficult to keep. I should know since I tracked down my father by only googling some things here and there. But I hadn’t been brave enough to make contact and much less to listen to him telling me why he left us.

Jo would have convinced me to email him or do something if I had told her. She would have supported me, because she loved me. And if I had received a negative, if I had been rejected, she would have been there for me, as well.

I was pathetic. I was holding on to her for all the wrong reasons, wasn’t I? I needed her and took more than I could ever give back. That was why I decided I had to break her heart. I had to make her hate me.

That night I went early to bed because I had no wish to fight with my mom again. I was tired and in no mood to be scolded about receiving a punch. How was I supposed to take her seriously when she disregarded her duties as mother? I wasn’t even complaining about me, but Dee… she deserved a caring mom. And now chances of her having a normal life had almost vanished. How could I go to college leaving Dee alone with Mom? I couldn’t, especially not now that our grandma had finally been sent to a nursing home. No matter her promises after dad left, our nana could not take care of us any longer. Not like she promised after her son left.

And then it was when I realized I would have to get used to give up on things. Things that included college, my aspirations of becoming an artist and Jo.

I stared at the ceiling for what seemed hours. I heard the front door open and close at some point, and still the only thing in my head was the look in Jo’s face and how I had to refrain from pulling her in a hug and try to comfort her.

Fixing something I had broken was impossible. She would never want me close to her again, yet somehow I knew I could not be away for long.

In my dreams I saw the first time I brought her to the house. It was not a big moment because my mother was rarely home and she never met her. I doubt she paid enough attention to know about Jo, but I did not care as long as Jo was happy.

Her eyes were like the bottom of a clear lake, light brown with dark spots. She had a tiny scar right under her jaw from when she was six and learning how to make pasta with her nonna. She smelled like snicker doodles that time we first made out in my bed because it had been her excuse to visit. She blushed and felt embarrassed when I slid my hands from her hips and up, even if it was over her clothes. Jo giggled every time I pecked the tip of her nose. She was ticklish.

I could remember every detail.

I only wondered if she could remember me, if I could erase all that by hurting her like no one else had done.

And then when I stop feeling pity for myself, I wondered who would fix this mess. Who would take my place? Would guys ask her out this week or the next? Could I watch her holding hands with someone else? Would all my memories belong to another guy?

For the first time I knew I was not ready to let go of her. I just had to, though.