The Heartbreak

Chapter 12

Things had changed like I expected. I certainly did not see this happening, though. But it had been a sort of a last wish. It was the least I could do considering she had not once tried to hurt me on purpose, even after everything I had done.

Jo didn’t hold on to me as hard as she used to when we rode my bike. She did not lean against my back. Finally, she was starting to build that wall around her to keep me out.

The wind whistled against my ears and I felt my nose freezing. I had decided that since I was only carrying one helmet, Jo should have it. I had never been a gentleman, but this was Jo and… well, that was it. That pretty much said it all.

When she asked me to take her with me, I felt a spark of happiness. It was like all those times she smiled at me and asked me to do something ridiculous like wearing a polo shirt when I met her parents for the first time. It was all ruined because her dad decided to surprise us by wearing a ratty Soundgarden t-shirt. She had been mortified, but it made me feel pretty good because it gave us something to talk about.

It was stupid, but I missed her family too.

I didn’t know where we were going, or where she wanted me to take her. Jo had said nothing about it when we left the party, when we sneaked out trying to avoid her friends and not even when we tripped on those two kids who were getting high behind some bushes. She smiled at me and I smiled back, which almost made me regret this last month.

Jo tapped on my shoulder and motioned with her hand towards a small diner that had a couple of customers at the time. It was an old place in town where Jo and her friends always hung out when they wanted some privacy and great milshakes, and at some point in our relationship she had dragged me into it too. It wasn’t really one of those places some couples call our place, but it held some memories, a few important moments like when she officially introduced me as her boyfriend to Skye and Reina.

“I’m hungry,” she muttered after taking off the helmet. It was the only thing she did before walking into the diner. I just followed her.

The vinyl squeaked as I slid across the bench to sit in front of her. Jo was already reading the laminated menu as if she didn’t know it by heart. It was probably to avoid me. She must’ve had come to her senses and didn’t know how to say it.

“Want to share some fries?”

I looked at her dark eyes and smirked. I always wondered why she couldn’t eat or drink things without sharing them or having just half. I had my theories about it, like she just couldn’t take everything because of her nature. She wasn’t selfish, never had been.

“Sure.”

A young woman who looked completely tired approached us and took the order. She greeted Jo as if they knew each other, making small talk. That was her being herself. I couldn’t bother with people, but she continually said that those small gestures were not just out of politeness. She sincerely believed that caring for others made them care a little for you. It was all her nonna, she claimed.

She bit her lip once we were left alone. She looked outside through the window and wrung her fingers. I followed the urge to cover her hands with mine. And she whipped her head to the right to look at me.

“Don’t ask me to be your friend,” I said out of nowhere.

“I couldn’t,” she replied in a tiny voice. “I don’t know if that’s even possible, because I liked to be around you. I still do, so it would be punishment for me. I would never move on.”

I couldn’t tell her that the reason I couldn’t be around was that I didn’t want to see her with anyone else either. It would be wrong.

“So this is it, right? One last time.”

“Good memories, so I don’t look back at my first boyfriend and all I remember is that he screwed me over.” She scoffed. Her skin wasn’t as thick as she wanted to pretend, and I didn’t see that as her weakness. The fact that she could tell me exactly how she felt took courage, something I didn’t have. Jo had always been stronger than she gave herself credit for.

“I know sorry doesn’t cover it, but I doubt there’s something I can do to make this any better.”

“Just tell me what happened to us.”

“Nothing.” It wasn’t about us. The problem was me. It had always been me.

“You know it’s pretty difficult to have no reason at all to end things. But maybe it’s my fault-“

“It’s not.” I sighed and leaned back against the bench. “Why don’t you make things easy and pretend this never happened? You could just forget me, Jo. I’m nothing special.”

“You were my first boyfriend.”

The openness in her eyes, that flicker of true love made it impossible for me to keep hurting her. But I couldn’t run away either. Jo kept pulling me in with every word and every look. The only reason I didn’t take everything back was that I would do more damage if I forced her to be in my life now. I had nothing to offer and my future had been already decided for me. I had little to say about things, but this I could decide. I could keep her safe and away. Jo had a chance of finding another guy, a better one. She had a bright future ahead of her.

“That doesn’t mean anything really,” I told her while pretending not be affected. I was cocky and she knew it. She just had to remember it. “The only one that matters is the last. The past means nothing.”

“Do you really think that?”

“Yes.”

If I lived in the past, I wouldn’t get up in the morning. I lived the now. And I lost her now. I was alone now. Now was all I had.

Pursing her lips, she shook her head.

The waitress returned little after and Jo started to pick on the fries while I watched her. She must have noticed, but ignored me.

“Since we are not going to talk again, I guess we can agree to keep each other’s secrets.”

I arched an eyebrow, wondering what she was trying to say with this.

“I just need to get this off my chest and I really don’t want to talk about it with Skye or Rei. Much less with Jack. And perhaps you could explain things to me.” Jo cleaned her fingers on a napkin and started playing with it. “My mom cheated on my dad,” she murmured.

“What?”

She made a noise. It was something between a sob and laughter. “It was before they got married. They were on a break or something. She told me because she found out about us and in some weird way she thought she was helping. But how? I mean… just because Dad forgave her doesn’t mean all of us do. Right? It doesn’t mean I should forgive you. It just means I could. It’s possible.”

To some, it might have looked like she was begging me to take it all back, but I knew her better than that. She was saying very loudly for me to understand that she would not try to talk to me into anything. This was in my hands. She would not make things any easier for me.

“There are decisions already taken for us, Jo. And even if we want to change them, we can’t.”

Her eyes followed me as I tried to disguise my nervousness by eating some fries. I don’t exactly know how I didn’t choke on those, since I could barely chew. This situation was not only difficult, but awkward. I wasn’t ready for this and I had no idea why I let her convince me I could talk about it.

She was freaking me out with her intense staring, so I barked, “What?”

To my surprise, she smiled softly.

“Don’t you believe in second chances?”