Broken

Broken: Chapter 12

"You ready?" I asked.

Bucky narrowed his eyes and gave an imperceptible nod. "Yeah."

The projector whirred to life, the sounds of his screams filling the darkened lab where his image was strapped to a chair. The holographic Bucky panted as a man dressed in an old Soviet uniform circled him holding a red book with a single silver star of the cover.

The real Bucky sat in the edge of the sofa, his eyes focused on the image of both men, his fists clenched in his lap. Even though his expression was neutral, I carefully watched the monitors as his heart rate and blood pressure began to rise.

"Longing," the holographic Russian soldier said.

Bucky's jaw tightened. His heart rate continued to increase.

"Rusted."

Bucky twitched, his head jerking to the side like an animal looking for a way to escape a trap.

"Seventeen."

"That's enough," he said as he stood.

I ignored him and allowed the memory to continue running.

"Daybreak."

"Shut it down," he ordered, but I made no move to stop it.

"Furnace."

"Shut it down now!" He yelled, running over to the console. He drew back his fist as he stared blankly at the equipment.

"Fine." I jumped in front of him and quickly ended the memory sequence before he had a chance to destroy the system. "It's off."

He glared at me, his eyes two slits of icy rage. "We're done."

I nodded. "Fine."

His shoulder slumped as he turned away from me and ripped off the sensors before tossing them carelessly on the coffee table. I watched him storm out, my heart breaking once again at another failed attempt.

We'd done this song and dance since our return from the capital two weeks prior. I knew we needed to expose him to the trigger words to prove he was no longer a danger, but we never made it to the end. Regardless of which memory we used, he always shut us down before the string was complete.

"What happens if they work and he comes back?" He demanded the first time I suggested we try.

"He won't come back," I assured him.

"We don't know that. If I hurt you..."

"You won't." I smiled as I pulled him close.

In return, he kissed my forehead. "How can you be so sure?"

"Because you're not the Winter Soldier anymore." I cupped his cheeks. "You're my Bucky."

He smiled, but I knew it wouldn't be enough that I said it. He had to trust himself and our biggest problem was that he didn't and there was very little I could do to change that perception.

Hours after our latest session, he came back. Hearing the door open, I continued to make dinner and pretend everything was normal. He wrapped his arm around me and kissed my shoulder.

"I'm sorry, gorgeous," he said into my skin.

I nodded but didn't turn to face him. "I know."

"But you're still mad."

"I'm not mad." I sighed. "I'm just disappointed."

"In me?"

"No. Just-" I paused, trying to find just the right words. "I don't know. Maybe if we tried a different memory or maybe if I said them."

He turned me to face him. "Hey. Stop worrying. We're okay just like this, aren't we?"

I rolled my eyes. "Right. Just you, me and our isolation. We're great."

He frowned. "You're not happy here?"

I was blissfully happy, but my happiness wasn't what mattered. He needed to be happy with himself and trust that, for everything he'd done in the past, he was still a good person worthy of other people's love and acceptance.

"I don't know. It just feels like there's nothing more for me to help you with." I looked away from him. "Maybe it's time I go home."

If Shuri hadn't removed his arm before we left the capital, I know he would've grabbed me and tried to shake some sense into me. Even with his one arm, he made a valiant effort to do so before grabbing my chin and forcing me to look at him.

"Are you serious?" He demanded even as his expression pleaded with me.

I nodded. "There's nothing else for me to help with. You've made tremendous progress. The rest you can work out on your own with the tools you have now. You really don't need me anymore."

"Says who?"

"Bucky, we both knew I wasn't going to stay here forever." I sighed. "It's time for me to go."

He stared at me as emotions flashed through his eyes: surprise, anger and hurt all took their turn before a look of resolve replaced everything.

"Then I'm going with you," he stated finally. "I meant what I said, I think I'm in love with you."

I shook my head. "You're not in love with me."

"Dammit!" He snapped. "Don't tell me how I feel about you. I do love you."

I smiled sadly. "How can you when you don't even trust yourself enough to sleep with me?"

"I don't wanna hurt you," he protested.

"I'm not afraid of you lashing out because of a nightmare."

"You should be!" He grabbed my arm and gave it another little shake. "I could kill you, doll. Why can't you understand that?"

"Because I know you." I stopped myself, taking a moment to calm down. "Look. We're not getting anywhere like this. Just go home and we'll talk tomorrow."

"Destiny." He reached out and stroked my cheek. "You don't have to leave. I... I really do love you."

I turned away. "Please. Just go."

I felt him stare at me for a long time before his footsteps receded out the door. I closed my eyes and fought back the tears, angry I'd been so cruel but well aware it had to be done.

"Ruth, play the audio from the last memory," I said once I trusted myself to speak again.

"Yes, Ms. Hunt. Shall I remove the background sounds?"

I smiled, thankful she knew I wouldn't be able to listen to Bucky's screams again. "Yes, please. And loop it. I need to be able to get those words right."

"Of course, Ms. Hunt."

As I listened to the trigger words, I repeated them aloud the same way I'd done since our first attempt to confront the Soldier's programming. Even though I knew them by heart, I needed to be flawless when I finally made him hate me.