The Hog

Chapter 13

"Knock knock." I hear Jeremy's voice before the door opens. I've been in bed all day. My head is buried in my pillow but I can hear the shuffle of Jeremy's feet.

"Francisco, what's with this pity party?" his voice accuses me.

"I'm sick." I say into my pillow and pull my blanket around me tighter.

"You've never been sick a day in your life." I feel my bed sink with his weight.

"Okay fine then, I hate myself. I'm an idiot. Really stupid so I took a day off...No judging Jer." I say. I sigh into my pillow but them I'm alarmed by the shuffle of feet in my room. Jeremy is sitting on my bed so who could...Frank. My head snaps up and my eyes are met by piercing blue ones.

"Thomas?" I whisper.  I look at Jeremy who just shrugs innocently.

"I just wanted to come check if you're fine." Thomas takes a closer step to my bed. It takes all my strength not to levitate closer to him.

"Well as you can see I'm fine so...you're free to go, you've done your duty for the day." I indicate to the door.

Thomas breathes out heavily before turning to Jeremy, "Can you..."

"I'm gone!" Jeremy cuts him off before he even finishes, "Good luck man. I'll make you some lunch Francisco" and he's gone.

"What's wrong Francisco?" Thomas' calm voice is laced with anger as he sits across where Jeremy was sitting-much closer to me than I am comfortable with.

"I took a day off is all." I can't keep his eye contact.

"I was worried about you." he whispers.

"You shouldn't have, there was no need." I shrug and study my hands.

"Yeah well I was still worried...I had no choice."

"Thomas, you don't see me at school every day so I don't see how my missing one day of school affected you." I finally look him in his eyes expecting that he'll look away but he doesn't.

"You may not see me but I see you. Every day, even before I met Frank or we became friends, even before the Jeremy thing when you kissed me. I've always seen you, I knew when you'd walk by my locker or class or be at the library and I'd be there. Just because I never spoke to you doesn't mean I didn't notice you. And two weeks after finding out about Frank, I watched you and wanted to talk to you but I was too angry and I felt helpless about your situation that I couldn't.  I probably sound like a stalker now." I see his cheeks redden just the slightest bit but he never breaks eye contact.

"Why?"

"Why would I watch you?" he asks and I nod. "If I tell you you'll go a throw yourself at the nearest jerk to get me to hate you."

"How did you...?" I gape at him.

"Francisco I know how you think, remember the first plan you had? I figured it out. Took me a while but I figured out the Andrew stunt as well." he said.

"Thomas I..." the words are dry in my throat.  I can't get them out. I want to tell him about my feelings for him but I want to tell him about the reason I have my nickname. Not because I want to push him away but because I'm scared if I don't he will feel pushed away.

"No let me start. The holes in my backyard, that's really stupid but I'm actually looking for something that I buried when I was a kid. I buried it with my brother, he died last year and I thought if I found it then I could feel closer to him but I was five when we put it there and I can't -for the life of me- remember where we buried it. See that story is pretty stupid but you asked so I'm telling you. Look Francisco I know you have a lot of pain that you deal with- but I want to share your pain and deal with it with you. We can talk about some things later." he takes my hand and rubs it and for the second time my life I find myself leaning and crying on Thomas Greyson's shirt. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me onto his lap. That's how Jeremy finds us when he comes in with our lunch.

We eat in a comfortable silence. I get off Thomas' lap but we remain close to each other with his arm still loosely around me.

******

"I need my dad!" I shout at Frank as he grabs the railing and tries to pull himself up the stairs. Its two am and I haven't had a wink of sleep. "Why can't you be my dad again? Why do you hate me so much?"

"Because you made her leave! You made her leave!" he shouts back at me, the pugnant alcohol smell on his breath. His eyes alive with a fire, " You made her leave me!"

"That's not fair Frank, she left both of us. I fucken hate you!"

"Hate me? Ha, without me you'd be alone little girl! She wanted to leave with me but when I mentioned you she left, so you hating me doesn't even scratch the surface to hurt me. I lost the woman I loved because of you, fucken Hog!"

He wobbles up the stairs. I run to the kitchen and open the cupboards looking for his hidden stash. I find a half empty bottle of vodka. I unscrew the cap and take a swig.  The taste is horrible but it warms my chest. This is what Frank says takes the pain away.  I drink again with my eyes closed. I try to picture my mother's face smiling at me. Did she really hate me so much that she left? What did I do to her? Why did she leave me with Frank? I hate Frank! I take another swig and try to picture her again. She never loved me. My own mother hated me. My mom died.

The tight pain in my chest heats up as the alcohol laces my throat and insides. I look at the bottle again - it's nearly empty. Fuck!  I throw it at a nearby wall.

Josh.  Josh the boy I met at a college party. The boy I kissed. Then Amy left for Germany and I saw Josh just walking, and we kissed again and... My head is buzzing right now but Josh's face swirls around in my head. I didn't want to be hurt by it- I pushed it to the back of my head. But now, sitting on my kitchen floor nearly drunk off my ass it hits me. Like a ton of bricks, it hits me.  The pain of having the boy you just had sex with look at you with a smirk on his face- to have him touch your cheek and call you Hog. Hog!

******

"Amy Tyson." I whisper in the dark room.

"Francisco?"

"I think I want to run away."

"You can't."

"But I have to Amy, I can't stay with Frank anymore."

"I'll come with you Francisco."

"You can't."

"Why not?"

"Because, Amy Tyson, one day you are going to do something wonderful but you can't do that if you run away from home at 13."

"And you Francisco? What about you?"

"Amy you know what I did...You know what they are saying about me. That's all I'll have for the rest of my life."

"But Francisco, we start high school in two days. A new chapter.  No-one is going to care about it!"

"A new chapter?"

"A new book if you want, a new trilogy just for you!" she beams at me.

"But what if they all find out about what I did. What if they all start to hate me?" I start to cry.

"No one will ever find out about it okay? We won't ever tell anyone and those guys, they won't want anyone to know."

"Amy Tyson do you hate me?" I whisper.

"Never." she holds me in a tight hug.