My Thought Spiral

No#2

Dear reader, I write this before I go AWOL from the internet. Not exactly AWOL given I am somewhat giving a notice somewhere but aye.
When I took an extra year for my A-Levels, I started out very well. The school year had been beyond pathetic and I had a break from it. I was living the opposite of what people stereotype extra years as. I was not depressed at all.
Till now. Maybe depressed is the inappropriate word for it, I do however get depressing thoughts, which I can repress easily so far.
Anyhow, as my extra year is coming to an end, my thoughts are ever more active. Delayed but powerful in their effect regardless. Right now, it feels like life isn't continuing. I'm in purgatory with zero clue of what's next but it sucks. When you die and if there is an afterlife and a purgatory, you know you're going to have either heaven or hell.
When you're in my purgatory, the what-may-happen is so diverse and full of anxiety. I could end up failing it again and having go take another extra year. I could go to a college that is awful. I could have had to settle for a college in a city I've been trying to escape for 20 years.
There are some definites you know about your purgatory, that you keep becoming more and more aware of. You are a burden within the household, the shame, the embarrassment. It all sucks so much it almost feels wonderful. Maybe that's crazy talk from me or maybe you can't relate. I know I'm going to hate this entry before I publish it but reminder to self; your brain isn't exactly in the best shape to assemble thoughts in order and relativity when it's too busy being anxious and running through all of them before it can even catch up completely with one.
I will feel better hopefully, when I do come back.
In fact, I will. Till then, cheerio! Thank you for still reading.