Dark Days

Denial

She lied in bed, as she was struck by more thoughts after another sleepless night. She got up, and did her routine as she would if everything was normal. She tried to keep everything the same, and everything was. Everything was perfect, from an outside perspective that is. On paper, she had no problems and everything was now fine. It had been a couple weeks, maybe a couple months since it happened. She had time to grieve, time to move forward. But in reality, it was not perfect. What used to be and seems as it would be perfect felt like nothing to her. As she cleaned, she lacked the feeling of him hunting across the acres of land. As she watched the sunset, she lacked the feeling of his warmth holding her. As she slept, when she did that is, she lacked his body protecting her while she slept. Everything to her fell apart, but she kept telling herself he was coming home.

She arose, after another night of restlessness to start her routine yet again. She seemed to block out the thoughts of him being gone, trying to forget it ever happened. She told herself everyday that he was just out hunting.Even though she still knew deep down that it wasn't true, she kept telling herself. She tried to blind herself from it, never think of it again. She figured as long as she kept moving like nothing happened, maybe it would feel that way too. She kept her routine, following it as she always did before except, without him. She felt his presence gone, the perfection gone. But all she did was keep telling herself she was wrong, telling herself he was okay.

She arrived back at her home with fire wood. It was getting dark out as she started a fire in the fire place. She took a deep breath, looking into the fire. She started spacing out, as she stared into the fire longer and longer. She blinked and there he was, next to her as he was before. She smiled, teared up as she said his name. He turned to her, smiling back at her. She knew she was right. She knew he was still alive. She went to cling to him, to tell him everything she wanted to say before he left. She reached out, but before she could come in contact with his skin she missed so much, the body of her lover, she felt a tingling sensation. She quickly pulled her hands back as she was brought back to reality. Her hands, stinging from the fire, was nothing compared to the burn she felt in her heart. She stared into the fire, tears starting to make way down her cheeks. She lost what made her so happy, so motivated. Without him she felt like an empty shell, like she was truly alone. And that hurts her, in a way incomparable to even her hands in the fire. She cried, her warm tears running down her cold once stone barren face. She finally accepted how things are now. It hurt her to accept the truth. But she know accepted him being gone, never returning. She returned to her bed in a shallow walk. She crashed down, face in her pillow. The fire in her heart was burning a pain no other thing could compare to. A pain that never seems to waver, that seems to follow her. She lies there, face wet in tears as she thinks of all the memories they had. It hurts, but she can't help thinking of him. She fell asleep, not wanting to ever be released from the dreams she had of them. Never wanting to return to a life in which he was gone. Reality.