Make It Worth It

Chapter 5

As I lay with Angela on her fold out couch, playing MarioKart, I start to think about my plans for suicide. I’m always dreaming about them, no matter what goes on, and Aubrey said the nurse heard me talking in my sleep. What if I talk in my sleep here and Angela hears me? She’d shit bricks, I don’t want her worrying about me. She’s been through so much already, from what she’s told me. Adding my stress onto her wouldn’t be right, but when I was telling her about my issues she vowed to make my life better. I don’t want her too. I don’t like the worry being put on her. She’ll be trying 200% to making me feel better, but how will she feel? I can’t give that back to her, I’m too worried about my set of shit that even though I want to help her, I wouldn’t be able to. But if I don’t tell her she’ll have the same set of worries, she really wants to help me.

She knows my problems, and I know hers. That should mean we should get along very well, right? Caring for each other and all, and we’ve known each other for merely hours. For some reason, I don’t think it’s going to end up like that. We’re going to care for each other, but then once one of us is having a shitty day won’t talk we’ll start with the “Don’t kill yourself!” And from there, it’ll get into an argument about how that part of our lives were the past. Gosh, I don’t want that to happen. But how can I stop myself from thinking about my suicide? How can I stop myself from talking in my sleep?

“Mother of Jesus, Isaiah! HOW THE HELL DO YOU NOT FALL OF RAINBOW ROAD?” The anger and excitement are evident in Angela’s voice, and like that I’m brought back into reality.

“Just that skillful, I guess? You know, us boys have this sixth sense that makes us extremely good at video games.”

“Mmm. Yeah, that’s what we’ll call it.” A smirk popped on Angela’s face as she said that.

“Hey! I’m telling the truth, why you gotta be like that?”

“Be like what? What you don’t like me dissing you? Huh? What? You don’t like a girl dissing you?” At this point, Angela started play fighting me.

“OHHH I’m going to get you! Watch out!” I acted as though I was going to pounce on her, and she flinched. “Ha! You flinched, you’re scared!”

“I did not flinch!” She said back, sticking her tongue out, “Come at me bro! I ain’t scared! You ain’t scurrryyy!”

“Oh, you asked for it!” I tackled her to the ground, and there we rolled around hitting each other with controllers, having the laugh of our lives. I loved this moment, it was the best of the day. Until Angela pinned me down, and playfully said, “You can’t fight for anything, dude.”

“I haven’t been to the gyms in a while, plus my abs are shy while my fat isn’t that shy!” God, I sucked at flirting.

“Whoa, that’s a stale one, looks like I’m going to have to teach you new jokes as well! Promise me, you’ll never be a comedian.”

“Okay, Angela. You can stop being mean to me now. It’s getting a little reckless, I may have to attack you again!”  I don’t even know what to do. My skills with girls are at about -102. Like, should I wink now?

“Let’s see you do it, big man!” And just like that, I rolled over and now I was the superior one.

“Wanna challenge me to anything else?” I said, with a wink. Apparently, I had good timing on adding the wink, because Angela giggled and replied, “Let’s see you try to kiss me.” 

I decided to make her feel like a princess, and not kiss her while on top of her, to me that was too sexual and she deserved better. So instead, I stood up, lifted her up, spun her around and kissed her. I was praying to Jesus that worked. God bless, it did.

Then the though hit me, is this true? Is this real? It seemed like true love, but I refused to believe that. True love was a lie, but deep down inside I hope Angela prove to me it’s real. For the rest of the night, we cuddled and continued to kiss occasionally. It was almost silent, the faint noise of London was racing outside, yet we were so close, the beats of our hearts were in unison. Angela fell asleep on my chest, her luscious hair falling all over the place. 

I stroked her hair as I listened to her breathing pattern. I didn’t want fall asleep, because I had this awkward fear that I may blurt out my suicide plans. And, after what just happened: If Angela heard me, she’d feel like, she was nothing. Think about it, if I wanted to kill myself because no one loved me, she’d doubt my feelings for her and what she meant to me. And right now, I love her and she means everything to me. She is the only person I have and I don’t want to lose her. So I stay awake all night, waiting for the morning to roll by so I can wake her up, walk her to school, and go to sleep for the day, as I get ready for another night of no sleeping.