LIFE’S A PITCH
Written by Frank W. Coffey and Connor Winkler
[fade in, open on conference room. One empty seat. Two EXECUTIVES and the C.E.O. of an unnamed company are sitting at a boardroom table laden with a sandwich platter and a bucket containing various drinks. Standing at the front of the room giving a PowerPoint Presentation are two young, handsome businessmen a la Don Draper with better hair. STATEN MURRAY is dark haired, irritable, and reminiscent of “Arrested Development’s” GOB Bluth, but is obviously the more intelligent one. PAUL MYERS is tall, blonde, dim-witted and narcissistic. He comes across as the love-child of Kelso from “That 70’s Show” and Dennis from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.”]
CEO:
Alright everyone, this is Staten Murray and Paul Myers, of Murray and Myers Advertising… they’re here to help us come up with a brand new advertising campaign. Thank you for your time.
MYERS:
Not a problem. Is everyone here?
CEO:
All but one
MYERS:
Well we’re going anyways. People! We’ve got good news and bad news. The bad news is that THIS [pointing to a picture of the Chuck E. Cheese’s mascots] isn’t gonna fly anymore. This is NOT the 1980’s, it doesn’t cut the mustard. Anyways, the good news is that me and my partner are here to bring your advertising into the 21st century.
EXEC. 1:
Wait, your partner?? Not that there’s anything wrong…So which one of you is the…
MURRAY:
[cutting him off, annoyed] BUSINESS partners, Einstein. It’s not hard! Our company is called MURRAY AND MYERS ADVERTISING. Put two and two together, man!
MYERS:
But if we were gay, you would totally be the…
MURRAY:
Would you shut up? Anyways, these are your profits from two years ago, and THESE are your profits from the previous fiscal year. Unless you do something, kids’ll find somewhere else to eat shitty pizza and go on ride
[Myers and the two higher ups each give the CEO a look, as if to say “Woah, are you really gonna take that?]
CEO:
Well…he’s not exactly WRONG. Kids are morons. They don’t care about how their food tastes
[MURRAY and MYERS exchange looks with each other, as if saying “he’s kind of got a point.”
MYERS:
Now, we’ve used similar campaigns with McDonalds, Disney and Nickolodeon. It worked then, it’ll work now, too. Anyways, your problem is that you haven’t updated your image in almost twenty years now! Your key demographic is growing up, so now it’s time for your mascots to grow with them. Now, I actually put together some conceptual art. Gentlemen, I give you the new face of Chuck E. Cheese’s.
