Blackinnon One Shots

(Not) her choice?

Summary: Marlene finds out she can't have kids and has a harder time dealing with it than she thought.  

Marlene didn't hear what the doctor said to her anymore. Her words had hit her completely unexpectedly, like the sneaky spell of a Death Eater who was waiting for her. She sat there paralyzed, not knowing what to do, how to react, what to say. It was as if a thousand thoughts were buzzing around in her head and yet it seemed to be completely empty. Questions after questions tried to pave their way from Marlene's head into her mouth, wanted to be shouted out and yet not a single word came over her dry lips. Once again she thought of the words that had gotten her in this almost paralyzed state: "You cannot have children".

At first Marlene had not realized what she had just been told, but then it seemed to click. From one second to the next she froze, not knowing what to do. Her face went pale making her feel almost as white as the rest of the room. Marlene hated this room. Everything was so clinical and correct, it was like this room wanted to avoid any flaws. And now she was sitting in the middle of this perfect room. She who loved chaos and who loved to create pieces of art in various colours, often transforming her entire environment into a single colourful landscape. She, who had just been told that she was even more imperfect than she had thought before. All life seemed to leave her otherwise so joyful eyes, as if the spark that made them shine so brightly had suddenly gone out. While the doctor kept talking, her gaze was all the time fixed on the poster behind her. Although she was staring at it for several minutes now, Marlene couldn't say what it said, and honestly she didn't care. When the doctor came to a close, finally Marlene managed to turn her attention back to her.

"If you have any questions about this, just let me know," she tried to smile at Marlene, but both knew it wouldn't change anything. Marlene said goodbye and then marched out into the street as quickly as possible. She barely made it to the next park bench before she could no longer hold back her tears and began to cry. Completely powerless she sank onto the bench, while the salty tears wetted her face. As she sat there, she actually managed to think some clear thoughts, though not many.

It was strange, Marlene hadn't been sure about much about her future. She had never known what profession she wanted to pursue. She had never known if she wanted to get married one day. She was not sure if she would survive this war. And yet she had always been quite clear about one thing, she would never want to have children. The idea of bringing a child into this world, into this war, was frightening enough, but the idea of herself as a mother was even more frightening. The thought of taking responsibility for a life, for one that could not protect itself, that could not provide for itself, that could not survive without her, made her terrified. And yet she now sat here crying over the loss of a opportunity she was sure she had never seized. She didn't know how long she had been sitting there, but at some point she got up and looked for a safe place to apparate home.

She had barely entered the small apartment when she heard footsteps in the living room. Sirius. She had already thought about how to tell him what had happened - if she should tell him what had happened - she didn't know what to do now. On the one hand she wanted to involve him in any case, of course, to tell him what was going on in her head, but on the other hand she didn't know how to explain the whole thing to him, because she couldn't even explain it to herself. Even before she had time to think about her next step, he came around the corner to greet her.

"Hey, Leeny. How was...What happened to you?" he looked at his girlfriend in shock. Her eyes were red and swollen and her corners were still wet. Smudged mascara adorned her cheeks, moistened by the already shed tears. The blonde mane on her head was tousled by the many times she had run through her hair. As soon as the words had come over his lips, more tears ran over her pale face. Within a second he stood next to her, both arms wrapped tightly around her. Her face was leaning against his chest as he repeatedly stroked her head and tried to calm her down. Sirius began to worry seriously about her. It wasn't the first time he saw her cry, but somehow it felt different this time.

When she had calmed down a little Sirius followed her as she silently went into the living room and sat down on the sofa. As soon as her boyfriend had sat down beside her, she leaned her head against his shoulder. She could have kept crying for sure, but her whole body felt so weak that even the idea of crying seemed too exhausting. Sirius was still looking at her anxiously, trying to ask her again what had happened, but she preempted him as she began to speak in a quiet shaky voice.

"Remember I told you that a few weeks ago I went to the doctor for a normal routine check-up and that I should go again today to hear the results," Sirius nodded as she took a short break. She took a deep breath before continuing, "She said that... that I...", her breath was getting heavier and heavier and she didn't know how to say it best. He saw the whole situation stressing her and thought about how he could best help her.

"What's the matter, Marls? You're not pregnant, are you?" Unfortunately, he thought that a little joke would be the best way to ease the situation. He certainly wouldn't have done so if he had known what Marlene had been experiencing. Perplexed, she stared at him before collapsing again, pulling her legs closed to her and burying her crying face in them. Her reaction now threw Sirius completely off course, he looked at her overwhelmed and somehow tried to figure out what it all meant, "Wait, does that mean you are pregnant?"

"No, you fucking idiot," she pushed him away from herself as she angrily yelled at him. "That's the problem," more tears ran down her cheeks even though she wasn't sure this time whether it was sadness, anger or despair.

"Does that mean you want to get pregnant?" Sirius raised his eyebrow questioningly. Each of her words confused him even more. He was sure that Marlene didn't really want children and yet she now complained about not being pregnant.

"No, Sirius, don't you understand? I cannot do it! I simply cannot! I can't have children, never." The last word was just a quiet whisper, so quiet that Sirius almost failed to hear it. Neither of them said anything, Marlene just looked at him with big eyes. Now that she had finally said it, it seemed there was nothing more she could say. Sirius, on the other hand, had thousands of questions and didn't even know where to start, but Marlene saw it in his eyes, so she began to speak.

"She said it was some kind of hereditary disease and that I would never have children," she wanted to tell him more details, but the words would not leave her mouth. Sirius continued to try to understand what was going on in his girlfriend's mind as she continued, "It's so stupid. I never wanted children and yet I am so damn sad about it. Why? Why on earth does it bother me so much to have lost something that I didn't want anyway?"

Marlene didn't really expect an answer, so she was all the more surprised when Sirius actually answered, "I don't think you mind that you can't have children," Marlene wanted to protest, did he think she was crying for fun? But he continued, "I think you are sad because it is no longer you who makes this decision. I know you, Leeny, you don't like it when someone tells you what to do and you hate it when you have absolutely no control over something in your life. That is exactly what is happening now, because now that you know that you cannot have children, you feel that you never had a choice, but it is not like that. You've already made that decision, you didn't want children before you knew it wasn't possible. If that doctor hadn't told you, it wouldn't have changed anything."

For a moment she thought about what he had said before answering him, "And what if I had changed my mind? What if one day I realize that something is missing, that I want to be a mother after all? Then I no longer have this choice. What if one day you realize that you want your own family?"

Sirius did not answer her question. Instead he took her face in his hands and kissed her long and deeply. When he finished the kiss he looked deep into her eyes, his hand still on her cheek, "Marlene, you are my family. I don't want children any more than you do and even if I change my mind one day, it doesn't matter. I love you and I can promise you nothing will change my mind about this."