Where to Find Me | Tyrus

Part 8

Cyrus' POV

At breakfast, TJ doesn't even look at me. He sits on the opposite side of the table, talking to Jonah about who knows what. They laugh together every once in a while, which I try to ignore by focusing my attention on the freshly made waffles on my plate. I poke at them with my fork, releasing steam, but I don't feel hungry.

Buffy notices my poor appetite and asks, "Hey, are you okay?"

I shake my head. Everything is definitely not okay.

She leans across me and interrupts Andi and Amber's giggling between sentences by murmuring, "We'll be right back."

Andi nods and returns back to her conversation. Buffy grabs my wrist and pulls me up to follow her into the hallway just outside the diner. The walls are a pale blue, with paintings of landscapes hung up high. Above us, wooden beams stripe the peaked ceiling.

"I assume this is about TJ," she says. "What happened between you two?"

I lean my back against the wall, feeling like I won't be able to keep myself from dropping if I don't have something to stabilize me.

"I don't know," I say. "He just won't talk to me."

"What happened last night when you went to find him?"

I look at my feet, then at her with sad eyes. "We almost kissed."

She gasps. "What?"

"But then he left. And now I'm afraid he's mad at me."

"Cyrus," she says, "I hate to admit this, because I'm not exactly TJ's biggest fan, but you two are so damn cute together I can't stand it. Whatever it is, I'm sure it can be figured out." That makes me smile a little. "Plus if he hurts you in any way, he's going to have to deal with me."

I shake my head, my smile gone. "Don't."

"Sorry," she says, surprised by my reaction. "I was just joking."

"I know," I mumble. "I just need to talk to him."

"Okay," she says as though she finally understands me. "Good luck."

"Thanks."

When Buffy and I re-enter the diner, I immediately walk over to where TJ is talking to Jonah and interrupt their conversation.

"Can I talk to you?"

TJ looks up at me, his face lacking any emotion at all. "Okay."

He stands up and I motion for him to come with me out of the diner. We stop in a corner of the hall that lacks the traffic of guests streaming through, then I spin to face him, blurting out the question in the front of my mind.

"What's going on with you?"

He rolls his eyes. "Nothing. I—I don't want to talk about it."

"Did I say something?"

"Cyrus, I said it's nothing," he pushes.

"Don't say it's nothing!" I notice the raise in my volume, but I don't care enough to correct it. "Look, you've been avoiding me, and you haven't spoken to me since yesterday. If it's something I did, I want to know!"

I can't take it anymore. I hate seeing his sad puppy dog eyes. I miss seeing his smile light up the room faster than a lamp, and I absolutely cannot handle the idea that I might've done something to drive that smile away. Even though it hurts every second that he refuses to talk to me, I couldn't live with myself if I just let it go.

"Cyrus!" he shouts. "Don't you get it! It's everything you did!" He looks down at the floor to his left. "It's everything."

Everything. Before now, I wouldn't have believed someone if they had told me the weight of one word can rupture the earth with a force so powerful it would make a nuclear explosion kneel before it.

"TJ—" I try to reach for his hand, but he backs away.

"No, Cyrus, just leave me alone!"

I try to look at his eyes, but they're avoiding mine.

"Okay," I say softly. "Well, if you change your mind, you know where to find me."

I turn away and head back toward the diner, letting him stand alone in the hallway. On my way in, I pass by Bex.

"Cyrus," she says, stopping me. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," I mumble. "I just want to finish my breakfast."

She nods and lets me continue by.

TJ's POV

I stumble back against the hallway wall and let myself crumble to the ground. I don't know what to do anymore. Everything feels so messed up. How did things get this complicated?

Suddenly, I hear a voice. "Hey." It's Bex. She walks over and slides down against the wall beside me. "I know I'm new to this whole mom thing, and I'm not exactly the best at giving life advice, but if you want to talk to someone, I can listen."

I shake my head.

"Okay," she responds in a whisper.

She starts to stand back up, but I stop her suddenly, saying, "What do you do when what you want is something you can't have?"

Her voice is gentle as she answers, "In my experience, you can have anything you want. Some things just take a bit more work. Or courage."

"I don't think I have that," I mutter.

She wraps her arms around her knees and locks her hands together. "You know, nothing good comes easy. Trust me, I know. When I had Andi, I was terrified. I'll always regret the day I left home, but the best choice I ever made was coming back. Now I have this beautiful, amazing girl, and I wouldn't trade her for the world." She pauses to exhale heavily. "The point is, none of that was easy. But it did make me realize I was a lot braver than I thought I was."

She knows. She has to know. How could she say something so perfect if she didn't know. And even worse is she might be right. Maybe I have to leave this comfortable place I've built and step outside. But how can I do that now? All I've done is push Cyrus away. He deserves someone who has this stuff figured out, who isn't a cracked glass ready to shatter. He deserves better. He deserves better than me.

"I screwed up," I whisper, rubbing the mist from my eyes with my hands.

"Then try screwing down," she suggests.

That's probably both the dumbest and smartest advice I've ever received, but I just don't know how I can possibly fix things at this point.

She looks at me with kind eyes, as though I might brake if she even breathes too hard. "Follow your heart. That seems to work well most of the time."

I smile at her to thank her, though nothing she said even matters. I wish I could go back and undo the choices I made, but I can't. I just don't know where to go from here.