break • t.k. ✓

ʀᴇᴀsᴏɴ ᴛʜʀᴇᴇ

dear kim taehyung,

the third reason i am breaking up with you is because you're broken as well, and two broken people can't fix each other.

i always believed you were perfectly held together by how positive you were to the world when we were in the crush phase and how narcissistic you'd sound when talking about how "perfect" and "so goddamn strong" you were, but i was proven wrong.

you probably don't remember the night you became so shitfaced drunk you broke down. but i do and i pretended it never happened because of you acting like the same cold hearted and disgusting person you are. it sometimes feels like a dream whenever i remember it.

we were at another dumb party and you were beyond pissed. you were enraged, but kept it inside as you held beer bottle after beer bottle in your vice grip and you glared at the ground as if you could ignite it with your stare.

i was too scared to tell you to watch how much you drank or to ask you what was setting you off, but you nearly punched me when i tried to show my concern and told me, "shut your fucking mouth and just sit and look pretty."

i did just that.

i kept silent when your glare softened into a look of lost and your seventh bottle's neck was dangling between your index finger and thumb.

i kept silent when your eyes clouded with tears and you began to bite your bottom lip to stop its trembling.

i kept silent when you shed your first tear then more began to fall and soak your shirt.

you suddenly dropped the beer bottle, the alcohol spilling onto the already stained carpet, and grabbed my hand then dragged me out of the house. my heart began to race in fear until it calmed when i finally noticed how soft your hold was.

your touch wasn't burning me that time and it made me feel relaxed for the first time in a year.

you led me down the street, far from the thumping music and stench of drunks, and we stopped in front of a random house. you looked at my feet as tears continued to fall and anxiety began to bloom inside my chest.

we were silent as you stared at my feet and i stared at your face. i think we were waiting for something to happen by how lost you looked and my anxiety growing by the second.

you spoke and it broke me. it wasn't the usual breaking you'd do to me everyday, but a different type of break. a break that was shared between us this time instead of me being the broken one.

"wh-why do i let him break me?" you questioned with sorrow and confusion in your voice. the tears in your eyes flood even more and you sniffle before wiping them away before they could fall. "i hate how much he looks down at me like i'm something different and uses me as a goddamn punching bag. he calls me worthless and so much more...i-i just want it stop..."

you slowly moved to your knees and held my hand ever so gently. i was shocked. i was shocked that you were showing your vulnerable side to me after so long. you were crumbling before me, and i was there to see it all.

the great bad kim taehyung was finally opening up to his boyfriend.

you started to babble like a child about how this he made you feel less like a human being and you hated how right he was.

the more you spoke, the more annoying you sounded to me. i hated how you were crying about being treated less like a person and more like an object created to be broken. i hated how you were holding my hand as you sobbed about wanting to be seen as his son instead of a thing taking up space.

"maybe he's right!" you sobbed sorrowfully into my stomach and my annoyance grew. "i'm just nothing but a disgusting piece of sh-"

i finally snapped. "shut the fuck up, taehyung!" i pushed you away as i screamed and you fell onto the ground. you looked at me with shock and i felt fear shoot through me, but i ignored it to finally speak my mind. "stop calling yourself those things all because he said that! the only reason you should be calling yourself that is because you know it's true! stop being a bitch and stand up to him if you want to be his son again! fight back against him, you fucking idiot! don't just let him walk over you and call you a slut and a fucktoy and..."

i started crying at my own words. i forgot who i was screaming at. taehyung or myself?

you moved closer to me, but i took a step back. "stay away from me!" i screamed. i kept screaming at you as you kept moving closer to me because it felt good to scream. i always wanted to scream, whether it was at you, your friends, my parents, or myself. it finally felt good to hear my voice.

you hugged me tightly and we began crying together. i couldn't tell who needed comfort the most since we were the same person.

we were both being hurt by the people we loved and didn't know how to step out of our own fear in order to set ourselves free.

at least, i knew how but was too terrified to do anything.

you whispered, "i really hate myself. even when we were just friends, i hated how perfect i was, so i changed. i hated how i was the only good kid among all of those people, so i became like them. i hate how i'm too much of a pussy to tell you all of my feelings because there's so much i want to tell you. i hate how broken i am so i break you." i began to rub your back as you spoke because you needed the comfort of, not your boyfriend, but of someone who understood your feelings.

your gentle hold around me tightened slightly into a needy hug then you asked the million dollar question, "why do we break, jungkook?"

i didn't know how to answer since i had no idea either. i know we break to become stronger, but there's only so many times you can break until you become permanently broken. so, why does the world break us without the intentions of healing all it broke?

the next thing you said broke me completely inside your arms. "i need to let you go, but i'm too scared of being alone."

my shoulders shook and my tears fell more frequently, "you won't be. i-i'll still be here to listen."

"but you won't be mine anymore." you said back. "i can't live my life knowing you'd belong to someone else who could hurt you too."

"there won't be anyone else i'd love as much as i loved you." i told him.

you asked, "loved?" i stayed silent and you sighed before telling me to walk you home, which i did. we were both quiet as i laid you down in your bed and i didn't say anything when i left to my house.

i cried once my body hit the bed. i cried for you that time instead of you being the reason.

i felt as if i was told the darkest secret of life and had to keep it to myself. to lock it away into the deepest part of my mind. never to resurface again.

the next morning was when everything went back to "normal". you told me what outfit to wear with what perfume and to be outside of my house within half an hour.

you had no memory about the night before and i think it was suppose to stay that way until now. that night showed that even you were broken and from how our relationship was going, we were never going to fix each other.

i can't fix you,

and you can't fix me.

it's better to fix ourselves on our own instead of trying to mend and push together pieces that don't fit.

you can spend your time to yourself, standing up to your dad and telling him who you really are, along with turning back into the real you that you were ever since we were kids. the caring, selfless, and magnificent you.

i'll spend my time healing and finding out who i really am.

we'll head in different directions to become whole once again after forgetting what it's like to feel together instead of empty and shattered.

your broken mirror,

jungkook.