dysphoria got us

introduction

   Hi I don't really know how to write a paper or write a story so bear with me . call me Ambriel I'm trans , non binary , and gay ( I like girls). I'm 19 my birthday was a yesterday actually and can I just tell you how I realized I was  trans boy/nonbinary and gay. I actually only realized it a few days ago which is crazy to think about. the blood moon/ lunar eclipse.

    I have a tellonym its a anonymous app that lets you get asks and you can also ask and its anonymous. well I have a mental health Instagram that I'm not really gonna tell you about maybe later I will tell u idk yet if I even get views. I follow people and they happen to be trans and queer. so I started asking things like boys are like attractive but I sexually attracted to girls and they said that would make me hetromantic/homo and I just thought about it and I googled it because I didn't know what hetromantic means. basically it means ro(matic)lly attracted to hetro ( straight) which means the opposite gender from what you where at birth . you can also be homomantic which means the same gender but just romantically . I'm going to make another chapter on language of the lgbtq community. but long story short I asked about non binary and I fit with non binary/ trans boy and gay  basically I wouldn't sleep with boys that's why I call myself gay. 

   before I say anything on how I realized  I was trans / nonbinary I'm not really gonna get into my past life maybe in a different chapter when I'm ready. I never really liked my body and when I got into puberty I hated my body I didn't like pushup training buggers I just bought the ones with no padding. I wore heavy clothes to hide things and when people wanted me to wear dresses I absolutely hate it and I remember one time at church and there was this Easter thing with white dresses and hair flower crown stuff and I didn't want anyone to touch me and I remember watching them outside doing the thing with the dresses and I just felt awful about myself. I never really liked buggers, btw buggers are bras. I just wore like the camisoles that had the built in buggers and put my squares ( pads) in my built in buggers. I was so self conscious and  I always hated cleavage I ducking hated it just the thought of it and girls clothes when I use to wear them they where see through , they didn't have ducking pockets and holes and see through . 

    Another thing is  in high school and I had a relationship it ended up turning into a sexual relation ship and I never let him put his dick in me one because I was afraid to get pregnant but I didn't really like it, I remember rubbing his dick and hated that and he just rubbed me down there and sucked on my cleavage and I was attracted just mostly romantically barley sexually I mean he would say so.I think the  other thing was I wanted to be him and I thoughts that why I had an eating disorder because he was really skinny like underweight. it wasn't because I was attracted. plus he kind of looked like a girl lol. the other thing was he made me hypersexual that's all I wanted but it wasn't because I was really attracted its kind of  hard to explain unless you where there, anyways that relationship was that he cheated and got his ex that he hated got together and got her pregnant.

What it means to be trans boy/ non- binary

 Not wanting cleavage and binding with 2 1/2 sports buggers, wanting a different bottom part but on and off wanting a dick but also wanting earthier one of the binary bottom parts. dressing and getting a hair cut. 

dysphoria not dysmorphia 

where do I get it, checks/ face/ mostly worse when I smile , HIPS omg so bad I have huge hips I will tell u what helped in the next chapter, chest I bind and binding is flattening breast tissue and pushing pressure on your chest to look like you do not have beasts ( breasts). 

Binding I don't really know where to get them but there are some great advice stories and they tell u where to go  I tried going on a bind website but they where not taking requests but you can try to get one on amazon I just use spots buggers  2 and then one small one that doesn't have padding  its just the three pack type but it doesn't have padding it works better than one bra I tried to go out but I got qualified as a she so yea that's all I really know sorry if I don't have any advice yet BUT DON'T USE ACE TAPE OR DUCK TAPE WHEN YOU MOVE IT MAKES IT TIGHTER AND ITS HARDER TO GET SURGERY .

I will write my stories what happened at the store and with my dysphoria a few days ago in the next chapter if anyone even reads it . thanks ambriel