Big Time Jesseus

Big Time Boi Crush

Jesus eventually stopped crying and realized if he wanted to make it in the world like his idols, Big Time Rush, he had to do something. He needed a way to get rich fast, and he was Jesus, so he could do whatever...;).

He conjured a hat and guitar out of nothing and sat it down on a busy street corner(he didn't want to conjure money. He cared about deeply about the grEAt amErIcan economy uwu soft boi). Soon, he was playing his favorite BTR songs uwu. He got so wrapped up in his music that he didn't notice when a group of boys stopped and leaned against the wall near him.

He finished a song and the stranger clapped. He looked up, noticing them for the first time.

"Nice singing, bro," the figure in the middle said, his face in shadow.

"Thanks, but who are you," Jesus said, unable to use some of his divine powers because god took away his omnisense when he acted out.

The boys came out of the shadows. Jesus gasped! IT WAS BIG TIME RUSH!!!1!!1!

Jesus was overwhelmed by a gay panic and fainted.

;) :) ;)

Jesus's head felt heavy. He opened his eyes, expecting to see his Big Time Hunk ;) posters like in bedroom in heaven, but there was a big black c-cc-c...cOw??? It sniffed face and chewed on a piece of his hair in its mouth.

He screamed and fell off the bed, hitting the floor hard. "Fucck," he muttered, accepting his new life on the floor.

Kendell ran in. Why was he in a Big Time Rush?

"Oh! Are you okay!" he asked, knelling beside Jesus.

Jesus turned bright red. Kendell was so close. He wanted nothing more than to grab him and kiss him. He wished he could smooch all over his beautiful face.

"WH-what?" jesus stuttered.

"You okay...?" Kendall asked.

"Oh. Yeah. Sorry, but where am I?"

"You passed out and you didn't have any id, so the bois and I just brought you home. is that..." he looked up through his eyelashes, a light blush painting his cheeks, "Alright?"

Oh, It was more than alright. It was better than heaven, and Jesus would know. "Yeah.
"

Carlos stood in the doorway, eating some cheesetos with chopsticks.  "What's your name bro?"

Jesus momentarily forgot his name, staring at Carlos's washboard abs, thick thighs, and broad shoulders. He was a true package, sculpted by God himself--Jesus would know. He was there for constructive criticism...and personal reasons ;).

"Uhm...My name's Jesus."

Carlos dropped his Cheetos. "Jesus!" The way he said the name made Jesus tremble,  his Spanish pronunciation was more beautiful than hearing anyone else say his name before.

"You're WHAT?" Kendall asked.

Logan stormed in. "HE SAID HE WAS WHAT? hO? yOU AIN'T JEEBUS!" He pulled Kendall and Carlos aside, lowering his voice to a whisper. "I told you we shouldn't bring him home. He's crazy!"

Kendall looked over his shoulder at the man he had brought home. He hadn't been able to resist. His dark skin was beautiful, green eyes shining out from his face like emeralds. The sun glistened on his beautiful dreadlocks as the cow let out a long string of flatulence. It wasn't nearly enough to overpower Jesus's manly musk. He couldn't resist him.

"I'll talk to him," he said. "See if he's who he says he is."

Logan looked at him like he was insane. "He can't be. Jesus isn't real. Only morons believe in Jeebus."

Carlos hit him. "Oy! My mom believes in Jesus!" As they began to argue, Kendall, the voice of reason and compassion, slipped over to JJesus.

"Hey man," he said.

Jesus looked at him with wide eyes, and immediately looked away, his face melting hot. He was actually dying.

"Are you really Jeebus?"

He nodded and showed him the scars on his palms. The holes from the cross had been there. He had suffered. Kindle never wanted that cutie to hurt again. He squeezed his shoulder reassuringly as a brilliant plan took shape in his head. "I've got ya, buddy."

Jesus swallowed hard.

Kendle stood. "Hey guys!"

Logan and Carlow shut up. James poked his head in the room.

"Meet the new Member of our band. Jesus!"

Jesus gasped. All his Big tIME dreams were coming true.