Jesus appeared outside the pearly gates, angry and rearing for his Big Time Daddy battle. He lifted his hands and gates burst open with a loud clang. He walked through the clouds to his dad's golden throne. Scribes, worshipers, and angels scattered out of his path.
"Daddy!" Jesus said, red energy wafting off of him. "How dare You!"
God looked up slowly. "Finally, Jesus. You're back. You have so many chores and your mom--"
"Your mom!"
God gasped. "Jesus! That's no way to talk about our supreme overlord and true creator, Lucifer Pine."
Jesus took a deep. "I'm sorry dad. BUt why did you smite my band mate?"
"I told you . No gays allowed. You needed to pay a price," God said.
"Daddy, you need to take a look in the mirror and stop your homophobia. I know you're scared, but hurting those brave enough to accept their sexuality won't help."
A dark cloud floated over God's head. A flash of lightning struck near Jesus' feet. "What are you saying?"
Jesus found the mercy in his heart to forgive his father for being bigoted. He found the love to help his father--after all, God is love, and Love is love. Jesus conjured a rainbow in place of the storm clouds. "Dad, you need to accept yourself. You know mom used to be a guy."
God, prepared for a debate at any time, lowered himself from his throne and formed podiums in front of both of them. "Yes son, but I married a woman. She may have a penis, but I married a woman, making me straight."
Jesus nodded. "You're right, but you liked her when she still identified as a he. Why else would you banish him from heaven if it weren't for being secretly attracted to him?"
God blushed, unable to protest. He had always loved Satan and all her quirks.
"You like guys and girls, Dad. In that, we're very similar." MOre rainbows bloomed around the room. The angels marveled at them. Worshippers smiled tentatively.
God hesitated, his great dark brow furrowing. "Are you saying that I, God, am Bisexual...?"
Jesus smiled and nodded. "Thanks for coming out to me dad. I accept you."
Great, ocean-sized tears streamed down God's face. He smiled. Rainbows, bi flags, and pan flags appeared everywhere. The angels and worshippers and scribes rejoiced. Jesus conjured a polyamorous flag and wrapped it like a sash around his torso.
Satan waltzed in, a martini in hand and a string a pearls tangled around her horns. She smiled at the festivities. "I'm proud of you baby," she told god, giving him a kiss on the cheek. With a wave of her hand, trans flags bloomed like flowers among the world of color.
"Let's party!" Jesus shouted.
The angel DJ showed up and the beat dropped down. Jesus summoned the remaining BTR members and they all raved with God and Satan and all the heavenly hosts. Jesus was just getting his grind on when he remembered something of slight importance.
"Oh, dad, can you resurrect James?"
"Oh sure," god said. And as he said, so it was.
James appeared, looking around in confusion. "Holy...homosexual..." He saw his friends and approached them. "Hello...fellow gays.,,?"
"It's okay, James," Logan said, an ace flag draped around his shoulders, "We know you're our token straight."
They all laughed. James blushed.
"Give it up for Big Time Rush!" the DJ yelled.
A stage appeared with all their instruments. Uh uh uhuh ohhhhhhh. They played the greatest concert of their lives in front of BTR's biggest fans (everyone in heaven).
From then on, love and BTR reigned. Yeet.
The End.
YOU ARE READING
Big Time Jesseus
SpiritualJesus always wanted to be part of Big time rush. Since his dad, God, kicked him out for being a tortured gay artist, he determined he will finally live his Big Time Dream. He tracks down the boys and advetures insue ;))))))))) This is a joke. Remain...
