Passing Through

Part Thirty Five

 Chapter Thirty Five

Natasha sank to the wet grass, and sat cross legged, uncaring that the dampness of the autumn ground was seeping through her jeans. She fingered the words on the headstone, the marble plaque that celebrated the four weeks that made up her daughter's life. Mia Ingram. She traced each letter, and the swell of emotion that each letter brought.

She hadn't been here since her birthday, she would have been twelve years old, starting high school. What a different life they'd have had as a team, her, her daughter and Nana H. But it wasn't to be. She had been born early with a heart condition that they'd only been suspicious of in utero. She'd had surgery, to repair a valve and seal up a hole, but she'd never recovered, infection had defeated her and she'd died in Natasha's arms, just a day before her mother's eighteenth birthday.

She hadn't spoken to her parents since, they didn't visit when she was born, or when they had to have a funeral for a tiny foot long coffin. She'd never forgive them, not after that. From the moment she'd announced to them she was pregnant, they'd tried to force her to have a termination. Something that was unfathomable to her. The pressure had been unrelenting, her mother was so vocal of the reasons why this was wrong, why 'it' was the wrong choice for her. But it wasn't an 'it' to her, it was a baby, and whilst a month earlier it had never been on her agenda, having a baby, as soon as she'd stared at the positive test in her hand, she'd been overwhelmed. Maybe it was the over-romanticised vision of a teenager, that her parents were so quick and frequent to point out. But with no father on the scene, she knew that it would be anything but romantic.. But she wanted to embrace that, the hard work, the time alone, it would all be worth it to have this little person growing inside her.

When she spotted an appointment at a clinic marked in her mother's diary that she'd left open on the kitchen counter, she knew they'd force this regardless of what she wanted. And at seventeen she had no idea if she could fight them.

So, she called Nana H, who immediately booked her a flight back home. Her Nana was at loggerheads with her mother over many things, but when Natasha explained, she'd acted immediately. They had talked on the way back from the airport, and her Nana had smiled at her, "you're emotionally more mature than your parents, this won't be easy, but we'll do it, together."

She'd lived with her since, all through her pregnancy, and her grief. She held her hand, hugged her, and supported her as no one else cared to. Then when she was ready, she'd helped her finance her college course, and the rest was history, the transformation of her Nana's wool shop to the cafe she now ran, was all due to the most amazing woman in her life.

But the pain of losing Mia never left her, not really, and she blamed Torrie and her parents in equal measure for it. Her parents for caring more about each other and their appearance in their academic society than her, than what she was going through. Torrie because he never even answered her messages, her calls, for never knowing that she had the most beautiful girl, then lost her.

All that left her terrified, scared of being alone for the rest of the life, but more scared of loving and losing, and breaking in two all over again.

"I'm going to go now, baby girl." She stroked the headstone gently, a sad smile on her face, she always talked to Mia, knowing she wasn't there and couldn't hear her, despite people suggesting the contrary. This was just her connecting, if she came here, then she could be a mother, be her mother for a moment, before going back to a world where she was just Natasha, cafe owner, baker and friend.

Standing, she blinked at the tears, "I miss you, sweetheart, every day, even if I don't tell you. Even if I pretend that I don't care. I do."

She stooped to kiss the cold marble, ridiculous really, but no one could tell her how to do this, how to manage the grief, the loss...this was what she needed.