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meaning [alex]

I said I wouldn't do it again. I told myself last time was it, and I was going to cut it off after that. But here I am, lying next to him in his bed. I let out a sigh, rubbing my finger tips on my temple. 'Why am I like this?' I thought to myself, 'Why can't I just let him go?'

I turned to look at him, sheets drawn up to his hips, his bare chest rising and falling at a slow tempo, as he slept soundly next to me.

This whole thing started about a month and a half ago; Will had stayed at Mia's for the weekend, so I had the flat to myself. One drunken night, Alex had stumbled into mine and Will's shared apartment to collect something he'd left at the flat. We started watching a movie, and one thing led to another, and we wound up in my bed.

It was fun at first; just two teenagers hooking up in secret. The covertness of it was what made it the most exciting for us. Having to plan times when our flatmates were out, and making sure that no one found out what was going on between us. It just became a thing in our lives that just happened, and we didn't take anything too seriously.

It carried on for a month more, the occurrences becoming more frequent, each time feeling more exciting and passionate than the last. We were very open with each other about what we wanted, we never held back. There was never a moment of vulnerability when I was with Alex, I felt like no matter what happened he would never judge me. And I think that's what drew me to him, what made me even consider carrying out this crazy relationship.

And it carried on smoothly for a while, but then I had to go and catch feelings. It changed everything. For me at least. I couldn't even look at him without thinking of how badly I wanted him to kiss me and mean it. How much I wanted him to tell me he felt the same way about me, and that it wasn't just sex for him. But it never happened, and I continued to be heartbroken time after time.

And it's not his fault. It was never supposed to mean anything. We were just two people having sex, with no strings attached. But my heart had to go and fuck everything up.

I told myself that I would cut it off, all I was doing was hurting myself every single time we were together. But I just couldn't. Every time I looked at him, all I can think about is how badly I wanted him. And not just sexually, I wanted him to love me, and to hold me in his arms and tell me stupid nothingness until the sun rose. I wanted him to make me feel like we were the only two people in the world.

But as I look at him sleeping peacefully next to me, not a care in the world, I knew that it would only ever be just sex, and it could never be anything more. I knew I had to cut it off tomorrow.

I gathered my things and quickly put my clothes back on, taking one last longing look at the boy I was infatuated with, before making my way back down to my flat.

~•~•~•~•~

"Good morning y/n!" I heard Will shout from my doorway, "Or more like good afternoon, I guess. Get dressed, we're going up to George's for FIFA."

I groaned in response, before rolling out of bed sleepily, stretching my arms as dramatically as I could. Will rolled his eyes before shutting my door and leaving me to get ready.

"I don't even like FIFA" I mumbled to myself as I pulled on a pair of blue skinny jeans and an oversized sweater. I put my hair in two messy braids, and quickly brushed my teeth. I don't bother with makeup, the boys see me without it all time so I don't care.

Will and I made our way up to the flat, being greeted by George tackling Will to the floor as soon as we entered. Typical. I rolled my eyes, stepping over the two boys, and claiming my seat on the sofa.

"Hey y/n!" George shouted at me from about 3 feet away. "I'm literally right here, you don't have to scream. But hi George" I chuckled, giving him a theatric wave.

"Hey" Alex said, walking into the room. I gave him a small smile, trying my very best to not show that I was freaking out on the inside. I knew I had to cut things off today. As much as it killed me to stop seeing him, it was for the best.

Will, George, Alex and I all sat on the sofa, loading up FIFA. As Will and George began their game, Alex and I became increasingly more bored watching the two play, mainly because they both sucked.

"Hey Alex, I, uh, saw a video that I think you should look at on your channel maybe. I can show you?" I said, trying to think of a somewhat reasonable excuse for us to leave the room.

"Ok, sure" Alex said, having no idea what was coming. Will and George paid no mind to us leaving, both being too caught up in their game to really even notice.

We walked into Alex's room and I shut the door behind us. "Alex... I, I think we need to end things" I mumbled, too afraid to look him in the eye.

He was silent for a moment before responding with a simple, "What?"

"I don't think we should keep seeing each other like we have been" I said, a little louder this time.

"Y/n I'm so confused. Why? Has something happened? Is there - is there someone else?"

"No, no. There's not. I just..." I trailed off, taking a seat on the bed and placing my head in my hands. This was too much for me. I couldn't tell him. I just couldn't. It would ruin the friendship we have, and I cannot afford to lose him completely.

Alex took a seat next to me, wrapping his arms around me in a tight hug. I stiffened a little, not really seeing this side of Alex often. I relaxed a little, and allowed him to embrace me.

"I really like you Alex" I whispered, "It was never supposed to be like this, I know that. But I... I just can't control the feelings I have for you. You make me feel special, and wanted, and like I can be myself. And I've never felt that way before. I'm so sorry."

I stood up and rushed out of the flat, tears threatening to spill from my eyes as I made my way down the stairs as quick as I could. I walked out onto the street, not knowing where I was going, I just knew I needed to get away.

"Y/n!" I heard him scream, I turned to face his direction, blinking a tear out of my eye. He ran over to me, grabbing me by the arms, staring deeply into my eyes.

And then he did the last thing I'd ever thought Alex Elmslie would do. He kissed me, right there in the street. And it wasn't like the kisses we'd shared before. It wasn't intense and full of sexual passion. It wasn't a kiss of lust and desire. It was a kiss with meaning. And I felt every single thing he meant.

"I like you too y/n" he breathed out as we pulled away from each other, "and it was never just sex for me, it was you, everything about you y/n. You mean more to me then I think you realize. And I hope this can be the start of something for us, something more. Because I don't ever wanna stop seeing you, not for as long as I've got a heart to love with."

And so we didn't stop seeing each other. We carried on. This time, everything was out on the table, and we wore our hearts on our sleeves. I finally found the meaning I was searching for.

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i think i'm physically incapable of not ending a story on a dramatic ass greys anatomy monologue and i'm really not sorry about it

anyways, hope you beautiful people enjoyed this, it's a bit longer than my other ones, but it felt incomplete when i tried to shorten it

also i was gonna make it have a sad ending but it was making me sad writing it so i changed it to happy LOL

ps listen to sex by eden when you read this because i kept thinking of that song while i was writing this lmao

more coming soon!! (hopefully)

cheers god bless xxxx