Living For You (GxG)

Spiraling

Each day I would go in and beg the nursing staff to let me see Nora. Everytime I'd ask them, the only response I would get would either be a snarky remark or them telling me to try again the following day. It was like playing phone tag, but more serious. It was like they were toying with the situation, making my mental state suffer more and more. At this point
... I don't even want to continue on if I can't even see her one last time before... it happens...

He said two weeks and so far already nine days since that prick of a nurse warned me about Nora's... declining health... I don't have much longer with her if he is right... assuming that she lasts the other five days... I hope she last longer than that, but, seeing as I can't fucking see her right now, I have no idea if she's even still alive...

I hate this.

All I want to do is at least see her... I can't stand not knowing her condition, it's driving me up a fucking wall. I don't even think we can get... It would be best if I... What do I do...

My mind is splitting in half...

I looked down at my engagement ring and brought it up to my lips to kiss softly. I'm being such little bitch... I can't stand up for myself or Nora... I can't even do what would, hopefully, make her happy...

How useless can I be...? I try and try, but only make everything worse in some way...

I continued to pace quickly through the hospital, stopping any and every doctor or nurse that I saw, hoping one would know where Nora's new room would be. Eventually, after a few hours of hounding the staff, one doctor finally understood who I was talking about and led me to her new room.

Inside, Nora was propped up in a firmer looking bed, wearing an oxygen mask. She didn't seem to be conscious at the time, but she would jerk a bit every few seconds as if to respond to the vibrations approaching the room. I turned back to the doctor with a clear look of disgust on my face.

"I'm going to report the nurses on her old floor. They are fucking assholes... How long has she been able to have visitors?" I demanded to know. She thought for a few moments before answering me.

"I think about seven days. She's still not in a very stable condition, but we can't deny her visitors considering... The situation she's in..." She trailed off, glancing towards the floor with a distraught look on her face.

I didn't say anything back to her, so the doctor walked back out of the room to leave Nora and I alone. Even though it hasn't been long since I've seen her awake and alert, it felt surreal to see her in this state once again. Thankfully, this time, it was a medically induced coma rather than... yeah...

You're so useless... What good are you even doing by being in the same room as her...? You're not helping at all you piece of shit!

I know... I know I'm not... But I still want to be here... She's my girl... I know I'm shit, but I love her... I can't... continue without her...

You're being selfish, Adelle. Wanting to die just because you're little fiance is going to die? How cliche. How lame. How pathetic. You're spineless.

I am. I know I am, but... I'm doing my best... I had nothing to live for before her really... If she's gone... What can I do...?

Not be so weak. Standing up instead of giving up. Having common sense. Acting like a goddamn adult instead of a kid.

... You don't understand... It's not that easy... It's... Not... What don't you get...

You're making it hard for yourself, can't you see that? You're doing this to yourself. Look at Nora... Look at her...!

My eyes instinctively landed on Nora, following the deep breaths being released from her. It was noticeable that she was struggling to breathe on her own but more than that I even noticed a feeding tube casually peeking out of her nose. I felt something drip onto my arms from my face, and I realized I had started to cry.

I never realized how much it would hurt to being close to losing someone... It's a pain far more painful than any physical pain... I can feel my chest tightening at the thought of losing Nora... of her funeral... of living without her... It's killing me...

If that's how you're feeling, imagine how Nora is... You're being to self-centered... You're not the one dying... Quit making the situation light when it's not... It's fucking disrespectful...

I'm... sorry...

How pathetic...

I know... I'm sorry...

Apologizing doesn't do shit.

I'm... sorry... Please...

It would be best if you didn't—

"Oh, is there someone in here?" A voice called out. I got forcibly snapped out of my thoughts and faced the door. A slim young woman was standing in the doorway. She look conflicted at first, but smirked and walked closer towards me.

"You must be... Adelle Goebel, right? I've... um... heard much about you." She chuckled quietly. I backed away from her and closer towards Nora to place a hand on her.

"... Yeah... That's me..." I said, "How long does she have...?" I asked. She thought for a moment before a glum look shadowed over her face.

"... Not long at all... Her lungs are beginning to fail... so is her liver... We suspect that her kidneys will soon too... It's not looking good at all I'm afraid..." She sighed. My heart dropped as I turned back to Nora who was squinting rather roughly. "She's in a lot of pain right now," she continued, "there's not much else we can do for her besides medicating her and keeping her in this vegetative state for the time being..."

I turned back to her and held in my tears.

"How many more days?" I asked.

She shook her head and answered me before walking out. "Only about four at the most by the way things are going..."