Journals [j.b]

One Life

I only wanna spend it with you.

Blaze

I wake up late by the sun shining like there's no tomorrow, tangled in sheets. I already know that he is beside me but I don't dare to look. I remember him showing up, I think I called him, then there was alot of kissing and clothes being ripped off. Then me and Justin rolling around under the sheets and his words: "Don't get all sassy now but you're still the best girl I've ever had."

But then at the end of all the hot and sweaty he pulled me closer and kissed my cheek, and then right before I fell asleep I think he whispered: "I love you, Blaze".

I press my eyes shut trying to think clearly and the massive headache I've got doesn't help. His legs are intertwined with mine and his arm is drapped over me. I can feel his naked body pressed up against my back and I realize that it's not possible to be closer to another human being than this. That feels good even though it shouldn't. I broke up with him, I hate leading him on like this but I've missed him like crazy. I've waited for him to call, if he would have begged for forgivness then I would have taken him back in a heart beat, but he didn't call. The only reason I even came to Las Vegas with my friends was because partying might help for the heartache. But now that he is laying down beside me, holding me close, I only feel like crying. I can't go back to him, this relationship didn't work and it won't work a second time so I can't take him back. And that makes me want to cry. Because I want him so bad, and I love him more than breathing.

"Are you awake?" Justin's raspy morning voice says from beside me. I nod but I don't look at him. I still can't. "Do you want to talk about, um, what happened?"

"Us having sex? Rather not." It comes out harsher than I meant it to. I just don't want to talk about us when we are going separate ways soon.

I can feel Justin remove his arm around me and how he lays back proparly, facing the celing. I do the same. "Do you want me to leave? Because I will if you tell me to."

I shake my head. "No, just... Stay for a little while longer. Please."

"Okay."

We used to be so in love. I don't know what it was but I felt something change that I can't put my finger on. One day we just couldn't stand each other. We still loved each other, and still do, but he drove me insane and I him. The things we used to love about the other one was suddenly annoying. Or maybe that was just me. I don't know, the rumors about him and other girls never used to bother me, but it was as a switch in my mind was turned on and suddenly I didn't trust him like I used to. And that made me doubt us.

Maybe I was wrong? Maybe I'm letting go of him for a stupid reason? I just don't know. I hate not knowing what I want like this. No, I hate thinking that I want the wrong thing. Is he the wrong thing? Is he bad? Not so long ago I saw a picture of him smoking weed in a magazine. That's not the Justin I know. I want to know what's been going on but I left him so maybe that's a stupid thing to ask.

"What are you thinking about?"

Justin's voice snaps me out of my thoughts and I look at him for the first time since I woke up. He looks tired, that kind of tired that sleep doesn't fix, and his eyes are sad. I want to ask him how he is but that's a stupid thing to ask too. I know I broke his heart as much as I broke mine. "I don't know. I'm trying to figure out what my thoughts are, I guess." I go back to staring up at the celing.

"Me too, I don't know what I'm thinking or even saying sometimes. Not right now though."

I close my eyes. Stop stop stop stop. "Don't say that..."

"What?"

"That you understand what you're thinking and saying as if I'm all you need to function."

"But it's true..."

Stop stop stop stop stop stop stop. "Stop."

"I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I'm just being honest."

"Well, stop. Lie to me and tell me you hate me or laugh like you don't need me. Just don't act all nice and good because I can't stand that. Maybe I'm selfish but I don't care. I don't want to cry anymore, I want to be happy again and you're making it impossible! I need someone to save me and no one understands that I feel like I'm drowning because I don't know what I want and what I'm doing."

For a second it's all quiet and I try to blink away the tears trying to come through. I don't know what I just said and what I'm trying to explain. "Can I just tell you, before you leave me again, that I love you and that I only want yo spend this one life with you."

"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know. I want you to stay but at the same time I don't. I don't know what I'm feeling and I don't even know what I'm saying. I'm suffocating myself and I overthink everything. But I know that this won't work so why can't I just let it go? Why can't I let you go? I'm leading you on and drunk calling you. I'm sorry if I hurt you more than I could have if I just would have stayed away but I... I don't, know."

"What do you want me to do, Blaze?"

I take a deep breathe. I don't want to cry in front of him. "Leave, please."

He nods before saying: "Blaze?"

Something about his voice makes my heart ache. "Yes?"

He hesitates for a moment before whispering: "Do you hate me?"

I shake my head and bite my lip hard. "I could never hate you, Justin."

Then he leaves. But like I said, I don't know. So right when he has closed the door I jump up, put on my panties and a t-shirt before leaving the hotel room. I look to my right and I can see his backside starting to walk down the stairs and I start running towards him. "Justin!"

He turns around and I throw myself in his arms. "Blaze, what-"

"I love you," is all I say. He doesn't question it and just hugs me back. All I do is hold on tight and hope that it's enough to make him stay. That I'm strong enough to hold on when he is ripped away the next time.